On the Road Again...........

Sorry this is just a short note to say that I am on the road again.  This time to NYC. I will be home Dec 16th and plan to get back to blogging with a vengeance........well as vengeancey as I can get smack in the middle of the Christmas season.............please stay tuned!
xoxoxoxo

Girl Interrupted

Days 90 and 91 reading assignment:
Deuteronomy 16:1-20:20
Luke 9:7-50
Psalm 72:1-73:28
Proverbs 12:8-10

I think one of the reasons it is getting harder to blog about this reading experience is the recurring sense of myself, of my pride.  Being a person of fairly low self esteem I have never (until I started reading the Bible) seen pride or self-centeredness as one of my many issues.  In her book, Praying God's Word, Beth Moore says:  In some ways, Christians have to be more alert to pride than anyone.  If we don't have an issue that is actively humbling us, we veer with disturbing velocity toward arrogance and self-righteousness.  We are wise to remember that Christ never resisted the repentant sinner.  He resisted the proud and Pharisaic. Pride is not the opposite of low self-esteem.  Pride is the opposite of humility.  We can have a serious pride problem that masquerades as low self-esteem.  Pride is self-absorption whether we're absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are.  We are wise to be on the constant lookout for pride in our lives.  If we aren't taking deliberate measures to combat pride, it's probably doing something to combat humility.  Now all this said I need to clarify that it isn't that I'm too proud to admit that I have a pride issue.  It is, however, the redundancy of it all.  I should go back and count how many times since I started this blog that I have written about how the Bible reading has exposed this very thing in my life.  I am realizing that I can't skip blogging because the content may be 'same story different day.'  I am learning that this repetition is the whole point.  This is how God communicates...with me anyway.

Even before our current circumstances our house was a three-ring circus.  People drop by a lot.  Usually my consistent reaction to hearing a car in the driveway is to rant like a lunatic, resentful at being interrupted;  "Who is here NOW?"   When the phone rings and I don't feel like being interrupted, I don't answer it.  Yet in my daily prayers I pray (with the same ranting mouth) Lord use me for the Glory of your kingdom.  Yes I do recognize that this is where I am veering with disturbing velocity toward arrogance and self-centeredness thank you very much.

On December 1st, the reading assignment took in Luke 9:10,11.  It was talking about how Jesus tried to slip quietly away from the crowds, but they found out where He was going and followed Him.  Instead of showing impatience at this interruption, the appliction says, Jesus welcomed the people and ministered to their needs.  It goes on to ask: How do you see people who interrupt your schedule-- as nuisances or as the reason for your life and ministry?  I think I had it all in my mind so differently.  First of all, when I pray for God to use me, I assumed I would begin to resemble Mother Teresa and I would be whisked off to some third world country complete with a little blue and white dish towel on my head.  What was I smoking?  And secondly, who do I think I am?  The mission is here and now.  In the everydayness with our everyday people.  THIS is my mission.  Just to love the people He gives me whenever, wherever.  I keep getting the same message from different Bible readings because I keep praying, "show me what to do."  He keeps telling me to die to myself and He will continue to tell me until I do it.  Just as I had a concept of God, I have also had a concept of what my service for God would look like.  And, disturbingly, that reveals my concept of me.  The me I think I should be to the people in my life.  Now I see Him interrupting me deliberately,  double-dog daring me to resent it as He changes me into His concept of me. 


-The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it-
                                                                                         Mother Teresa

Flying by the Seat of My pants

Days 88 and 89 reading assignment
Deuteronomy 11:1-15:3
Luke 8:22-9:6
Psalm 70:1-71:24
Proverbs 12:4-7

Many years ago, before my husband Brent was a certified flight instructor, we set out to teach me how to fly.  We took the first several lessons in my brother's Cub, a sweet little two-place "tail-dragger" plane.  At some point, for reasons unbeknownst to me but surely having nothing to do with my credibility as a pilot, my brother suggested we use our own plane for my flight instruction.  We would have begun my lessons in our 1946 Taylorcraft  but the Cub is just a little easier to fly and Brent was trying to keep things as uncomplicated as possible.  I should back up here and say that Brent "took-over" my flight training after I had taken many lessons from a friend who was indeed a certified instructor.  Brent was frustrated that I wasn't progressing as quickly as he thought I should and being a loyal husband, blamed it all on our instructor friend.....for awhile.

In the air, while I thought we were doing fine, he would shout,"DOES THIS FEEL RIGHT TO YOU!!??"  
"DOES WHAT FEEL RIGHT TO ME???" I gently and lovingly screamed back at him.
"YOUR BUTT, YOUR BUTT...can't you feel it in your butt?"
"Feel WHAT in my butt, what are you talking about?"
We were wearing headsets and normally you have to push the little black button on the yoke to talk, but at this point we no longer needed the intercom system to hear each other over the cockpit noise.  Without fail, by the time we had landed on the bumpy grass strip, I was crying.  We would sit in the plane and "go over" the flight and too little too late, he would try to encourage me to try it again.  If he wasn't repeating 'feel it in your butt', he was monologuing "right rudder right rudder!"  I finally realized it was comfortable to rest my foot on the left rudder and evidently this gesture was putting the whole plane...askew, so to speak.  In my defense I confessed that I usually rested my left foot on the clutch peddle of my car too,  he just slapped himself on the forehead muttering something derogatory and walked away.  I may never understand men.   I also do not understand why, if it takes feeling something in your butt (that I have yet to learn) to fly an airplane, why then am I not a natural because I do tend to squeak through this life 'flying by the seat of my pants.'  Evidently they are two separate concepts.  I could get us on the ground with only minor injuries if I had to land a plane now, if all the conditions were perfect and there was no wind and no other planes on the tarmac.  But who wants to?  My time is better spent on the ground, of that I am sure.  So I did not see flying lessons through to any kind of completion...that's right I quit.

Brent is organized. Whether he is flying a plane or eating his Cheerios.  (I would be organized too if I only focused on one thing at a time and one person at a time.)  Before he leaves the house he has a five point checklist:
"phone-check"
"watch-check"
"pen-check" (don't even get me started on the pen)
"wallet-check"
"glasses-check"....
As I watch this final part of his morning routine I am thinking: 'kick in the butt from your wife as you are walking out the door- check.'  Everything he does is a part of a bigger routine, it's mind boggling for a person who is routine challenged as I am.  If I had a check-list before leaving the house it would be:
Am I dressed or is a bathrobe acceptable where I am going?-check
Am I wearing shoes-check
Do they match-check
Was there time for make-up and if so do both eyes have mascara-woops no time gotta go.

The imaginary squirrels, like voices in my head, haunt me and distract me and oddly bring me some sense of comfort.  I say all this to explain that while there may be lapses in this blog, unlike my flying lessons I will not quit.  If there are readers out there in this unknown cyber frontier, please know that I will see this through.  My absenteeism is to the computer, not to the reading assignment.  This Bible reading in a year, unlike every diet I have ever tried, is a life-style change for me.  If there are no readers at all I will still "Blog On!"

As for the flying lessons, we toy with the idea of taking them up again now that Brent is certified but then our eyes meet and with smiles we just say "nah."

Bound For the Promised Land

Double YIKES!
Days 74-87 reading assignments:
Numbers 22:21-36:13
Deuteronomy1:1-10:22
Luke 1:57-8:21
Proverbs 11:12-12:3

My absense at the page is a direct result of satan's effects on and in my life.  Busy-ness is back as well as my recent experience of a mini crisis of faith.  In the midst of a burning desire to seek and know God, I managed to deposit myself right smack back in the middle of my own wilderness.  It serves me right of course for all the harsh judgement I have had of the Israelites, but it still feels crummy.  Forty years they stumbled around in the wilderness while their destination was never more than an eleven day journey away.  Now I wonder if I will be delivered from that same wilderness anytime in this lifetime.

For a brief amount of time I was feeling quite God led and Spirit filled.  Jane and I celebrated our birthdays with a lunch out and a day of shopping.  We shared a fun day and some fairly riveting God-filled conversations.  I yammered on with excitement about a book I had just finished that was all about how Christians and churches sometimes tend to ignore the Holy Spirit and never realizing the obscene power of my own ego, mistakenly believed I was finally "getting it" when it came to such subjects.  I was visualizing the many ways God might use me, newly enlightened as I was.  Seriously, I was quite full of the wonder of me, anxious for an opportunity to exhibit all this good Christian love to someone who might smite me in some way.  As we left the restaurant and got back to the parking lot, a large four wheel drive pick-up was parked at an angle that although it was awkward, it really didn't hinder my leaving.  I looked at the truck with disgust and sarcastically said, "Nice park job buddy!"  only to realize that the driver was in the truck, evidently with his window down and not finished straightening his park job.  He leaned forward and gave me a big smile and a wave.  He was obviously slightly more Spirit-filled than I.  I hate hate hate lessons in humility.  Like the Pharisees, I am seeing how craftily I wrap my sins up in respectability and like the Israelites I keep myself in the wilderness not because I am geographically challenged- although I do tend to get lost in Safeway- but because of the condition of my heart.  I am beginning to understand that while I struggle to seek out this personal relationship with Him, one of many stumbling blocks is the discovery that for all these years I have believed in the concept of God instead of genuinely believing God.  Another is satan's powerful tool of pridefulness.  The more filled up with "me" I am, the less room there is for anything else.  I keep thinking that any day now I will wake up a new person who will automatically think first of God and make all the right choices.  In the face of hardship I will recite scriptures and my strong faith will have me leaning dependently on HIM.  In His incredibly patient way He is showing me that He knows I am a work in progress, an infant in this journey, more like a two year old that is screaming for her own way.  Thankfully He doesn't give in to my demands.

-God shows us our poverty of spirit when we try, in our own strength, to walk in a way pleasing to God...and yet continually fail-
Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me

Invisible Love

YIKES!! Days 64-73 reading assignment
Numbers 4:1-22:20
Mark12:48-16:20
Luke 1:1-1:56
Psalm 48:1-57:11
Proverbs 10:26-11:11


Wow, it's been too many days again.  I have been traveling and sooner or later I will break down and buy a laptop.  This blog has become ingrained into my life and skipping so many writing days makes me feel all bogged down.  This time my travels have taken me yet again to places intoxicating and full of mystery...Porterville, California.  Aaaah the exotic life of the wife of a tanker pilot.  This life-style has taken me on many a romantic journey from the plains of Battle Mountain, Nevada to the smog filled skies of San Bernardino, California and many unknown stops in between.  If it doesn't have a Starbucks, I have probably been there.  Once on a fire bust in Battle Mountain, the ground fire fighters got to the one grocery store in town before me and wiped out all the chocolate inventory.  That's right, no chocolate in the whole town and no deliveries for a week.  Heaven forbid I could have lost a pound.

I went to Porterville this week to catch up with my hunka hunka burnin' love to celebrate our twenty sixth wedding anniversary.  We joke that in all the time we spend apart, we have technically only been married thirteen years.  It is an odd life-style and certainly not for everyone which is evident in the high divorce rate within this industry.  We have spent more anniversaries apart than together, so if Brent is twelve hours or less away, I try very hard to track him down.  It is our time apart that makes the majority of our time together quite precious and where we spend it is not a factor.  Spending it together is.  It's like an invisible love sometimes.  Unseen but very much our reality.  Being apart requires trust and faith in one another.  We are required to lead separate lives so much of the time and then magically transition back into a togetherness.  I am putting it mildly when I say it has been "tricky" at times.

Seventy-three days into this spiritual quest I have more questions than answers thank you very much NUMBERS chapters 1-10.  Is it disrespectful to say how painful I found those chapters?  Yet I am always anxious to get back to it.  Back to the daily-ness of reading this Bible.  The unfaithfulness and chronic complaining that annoyed me so in the beginning of Israel's journey, now I find almost comforting.  How warped is that?  Actually the Israelites are still completely annoying, but I see myself in them on so many levels now that I am relieved that God, tempted as He was, didn't just wipe them out and start over.  My humanness along with a shameful attitude of entitlement (deny as I might-I've got it) requires answers from God.  Why won't he heal my unbelief, my wavering faith.  Why won't He wave that magic wand and instill trust in Him to me?  I carry with me a bottle of mustard seed just for a daily reminder that it's all about FAITH.

In Holman's Bible Dictionary there is a page and a half of definition on faith.  It reads: faith is tied to hope in Hebrews 11:1; Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  It refers to faith as the central concept of Christianity.  It goes on to say that faith is the beginning of a relation to God and not an end.  It is especially in Paul's letters, the inauguration of incorporation "in Christ," in which one continues to grow and develop.  But here is my own conclusion....God does not owe me an explanation.  I said it before: God is God whether I believe or not, whether I understand much or little.  When I relate it to my marriage, I get it...sort of.  The wonder of invisible love.  And when I allow those tiny seeds of doubt to seep in  I am sure the enemy loves the distractions my lack of understanding offers.  The more I search for explanations the less time I am spending in quality time with Him or in prayer for others.

Brent's fire contract is up in eleven days.  For a few months we will live a daily married life.  It is the dailyness no matter how mundane and ordinary that we need.  It is the dailyness in my spiritual walk that is important as well.  The seemingly painfully boring first ten chapters of Numbers is significant information... whether I like it or not.  Who am I to critique God's own bestseller after-all?  So on with the quest.  Hit me with your best shot day 74.  For two hundred and ninety-one more days I will show up to the daily page.  Maybe even without complaining just to have a glimpse of that invisible love.

-If my eyes could see you I'd have no faith to prove-
lyrics to Invisible Love by JJ Heller

All You Need is Love, Love is ALL You Need

Day 63 Reading Assignment:
Numbers 2:1-3:51
Mark 11:27-12:17
Psalm 47:1-9
Proverbs 10:24-25

My siblings sometime refer to me as the "Pollyanna" of the family.  This isn't a complement to me, and if you are familiar with the Disney character in her obnoxious ringlets and saccharin sweet philosophies you know why.  For every problem in the community, Pollyanna has a 'the glass is beyond half full' solution.  She has wisdom beyond her years and she is overall...repugnant.  Okay I will confess that I love, love love the movie but enough already with the goody two shoes theme.  I identify more with the cartoon character Maxine.  I don't know if it's the droopy boobs or the floral housedress or her cynical one-liners,  but I know I could be good friends with old Maxine.  But while Maxine's sarcasm and cynicism makes me laugh, it is clear that Pollyanna, the orphaned daughter of missionaries, has gleaned her wisdom and sunny outlook from the Bible.  Pollyanna is thrown into an imbittered community with a cranky old aunt and through loving the unlovable and forcing her "glad-game"(gag) on one and all, she spreads her light...aka: God's love, until the town is made whole again.

I don't mean to keep harping about the movie, "Lord Save Us From Your Followers," but the message is worth risking the redundancy.  It is all about LOVING:...(say it with me) EVERYONE.  I think this is where someone shouts "preach it sistuh!  In Mark a teacher of religious law asked Jesus which of all the commandments was the most important to follow (sorry I skipped ahead a little).  Jesus answered with "Love the Lord your God.... and Love your neighbor as thyself."  Both had to do with LOVE.  What's so important about love?  Jesus said that all the commandments were given for two simple reasons: to help us love God AND OTHERS as we should.

 Someone once told me that God speaks to us through prayer, His Word and through other people.  Lately He seems to be speaking to me through song.  Yesterday I was stuck humming the tune, 'This little Light of Mine."  Today it is the Beatles:

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where your meant to be.
It's easy...(no it isn't)
All you need is love....love is all you need...."


-Love,love,love. Love,love,love. Love, love, love.-
Lennon/McCartney, The Blue Album

This Little (eensy weensy) Light of Mine...I'm Gonna Let it Shine

Day 62 reading assignment:
Leviticus 27:14-Numbers1:54
Mark 11:1-26
Psalm 46:1-11
Proverbs 10:23

We went out last Saturday for an evening of tricks and treats with the kids.  Oh golly is that judgement I'm hearing again?  Did we partake in that pagan ritual of celebrating Halloween?....Yes we dressed these little people as super heroes and took a leisurely stroll on a beautiful evening.  But there was no celebration of anything wicked or dark, and the joy on our little guy's faces over-rides anybody elses disappointment with what may be construed as a poor choice for someone calling themselves a Christian...so there!

This is four year old Sawyer's first year to really get excited about those traditional days and his enthusiasm is contagious.  He is such a funny kid and so quick to get over-the-top excited.  We had to stay close to him though as we taught him the drill of;
Step one: Ring the doorbell, no do not open the door and just walk in.
Step two: Say "Trick or Treat!"...no, wait until they actually open the door                                          before you say it.
Step three: Say "thank you."
Sawyer was so excited that when the door was opened he would just shout "TRICKERTREAT!"  And at every single house without fail, the door would no sooner close and our little "Andy Autistic" practicer of all things repetitious, would turn to me and say, "Gwammuh can we go to the second house now?"  He couldn't have cared less what was being put in his bag (which is good because he couldn't eat it anyway).  He just wanted to go on to the 'second house' and repeat the drill all over again.  After every single house I would reassure him with my own word-for-word rendition, that yes we could do it again at the 'second house.'

 I wondered if this is what we do to God, whether it be the repetition of our prayers, or when we ask again and again for forgiveness of the same sin, just needing to be reassured...again that yes He did indeed forgive us.  Or even in the everyday way we ask for material things masked as a "practical need."

I find myself asking for wisdom, guidance, clarity.  But what I really want is for this big crystal ball to drop down and show me our prayer answered, trouble free future.  Something dropped down and hit me today, and while  it wasn't that literal crystal ball,  it was clarity of some kind.  The reference is made through out the Bible, that God is "light."  Today I realized that it doesn't say God is a spotlight-although I am sure I do remember some reference about a beacon....oh well it doesn't matter.  What came today in the form of some kind of clarity was an analogy that got me humming that song from Sunday school; "This Little Light of Mine."  And let me say it's getting annoying because I can't get it out of my head.  It's like 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall or the theme song to It's a Small World at Disneyland...it won't go away.  I digress.  My point is that when we walk out in the darkness with a small light, we are able to see just where our steps are going.  We can't see three miles down the road.  I think this is how God reveals our walk with him.  Little bits at a time.  We can get all unravelled about the unknown things down the road.  But when He says to me, "Are you okay right now?"  and "Are your needs met for today?"  I have to take a deep breath and realize "YES!"  I don't have to keep asking over and over if it will be okay tomorrow or next week or ten years from now.  I just have to make sure I let my little light shine.

People....... people who need people

Days 59-61 reading assignment:
Leviticus 22:17-27:13
Mark 9:30-10:52
Psalm 44:1-45:17
Proverbs 10:19-22

My kids hate it when I go to movies alone, they think it's kind of pathetic.  But being married to a man who is on the road five to seven months a year, I attend a lot of events alone.  So many, in fact, that when my husband is able to join me at a wedding or a party, people whisper, "Cindy is here with a man!"

 I didn't set out to go to a movie today but that is where I ended up.  I am begging everybody who ever thought about calling themselves a Christian to please go see "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers."  It is a powerful movie about how the secular world views Christians.  While there were times during this two and a half hour documentary that  I felt deeply ashamed, I left the theater feeling inspired and encouraged.

There are multiple lessons to be learned, but the primary message is that it is time for Christians to take their judgements and shove them.... away.  If our opinions, attitudes and ideals are not about exhibiting love to others, then they aren't God's opinions, attitudes and ideals.  This is a fairly easy task with the people we already love.  There is a quote in the movie that says, "If we love someone we go out of our way to learn the best of who they are."  But what about someone we don't like?  Maybe it's a stranger who looks, acts or believes differently.  Or maybe it is a person that is in our life due to circumstances we have no control over.  It's okay that we don't like them though because they are annoying, or demanding, controlling or nosey.  Or worse, they have made choices to live a life-style that offends us.  What if we went out of our way to learn the best of who they are?  How do we even begin?  Gosh I only know how to be nice to nice people like me.  Jesus only hung out with nice, clean righteous people after-all.......

Another line from the movie was, "We need to stop asking God to bless what we are doing and instead actively participate in what He is doing."  All I know is when it has all played out, God is going to ask each of us that million dollar question, "What did you do with my son?"  There won't be any phoning a friend or audience polls.  In fact, we probably won't get to answer that question with our explanations or our justifications.  I imagine the lights in the theater will just go out and the reel to reel projector will start up with a clickety click and  God will see the answer to His question playing out on the big screen in the people we avoided, ignored and neglected.  The ones we scorned and resented and talked about behind their backs.  The ones we deliberately didn't get close to for whatever reason and the ones we simply never saw in the first place.  God will know the answer because those people were all His Son.

"......I tell you the truth, when you did it to the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me."
                             Matthew 25:40

PS: www.lordsaveusthemovie.com    

I'm Sorry

Day 58 reading assignment:
Leviticus 20:22-22:16
Mark 9:1-29
Psalm 43:1-5
Proverbs 10:18


I received an email today from a dear friend who just started reading sawasquirrel.  She said some nice things that I treasure but I was also disturbed by other things she told me.  She said yesterday's post was 'overwhelmingly overwhelming' to her.  After her many years as a Christian servant leaving her feeling discouraged and disappointed in herself, she felt envious that I had achieved something she hadn't.  And had she not gone on to read the post before yesterday's she wouldn't be comfortable to be around me because I was something she longed to be and had not mastered.  She gleaned, from these posts, that I was at peace and in such a good place.  And ultimately that yesterday's post made her feel overwhelmed by her own imperfections.  


I seriously hope I have misunderstood her meaning, but in the event anyone else out there has misunderstood my message these past 58 days, I need to set the record straight.  The following lines are my response to her email and I send it out there to whomever it may concern.  I offer up my heartfelt and most sincere apology if any of these posts conveyed a message of self-serving arrogance.  Or if I, in any way, portrayed myself in a light that made anybody think that I think I have it all together..... :


What on earth are you talking about???? If that is what you got out of my blog- then I have done something incredibly WRONG!!!First of all you have to begin at the beginning. Go back in to Sept and read starting with "Do What You Dread"

•  I am one BIG (literally and figuratively) mistake.  A mess.  A failure.  A hypocrite.  A bumbling idiot.  A quitter of all things.  An insecure fool....the list goes on. I am many times ALL those things and more all at the same time.
• I am learning, with teensy tiny baby steps to find God's peace...not my own, in the midst of this beautiful mess called life.
• The cross I (we all) carry in this life is a thankless one for sure but I think I have finally gotten old and beaten down enough to no longer need the thanks....most days. :o)
• I am sooo affected by this worldly world but at least I will not give up trying to NOT be.
• I am so NOT completely gracious about anything!!!
• I have so NOT mastered standing up for myself, but life after 50 is making that slightly more do-able.
• I am a big ole, pathetic, self pitying, middle aged woman who has quit just about everything I ever thought about starting.  My life is closer to being over and I have left no great legacy.  
• For now I have committed to reading the Bible through in one year and I feel it changing me-that scares me too...and I am only on day 58, what if I quit this too?
• All we have is today. I am pledging this minute to follow God as best I can, 5 minutes from now could be another story.
• If I have sent out some kind of arrogant message that I have it all together I need to send out a heartfelt apology to you and the other (9) people who read it- and I will remove this blog from the page this instant-because the opposite of that is what is true.  The whole gist of it is meant to be that we slog through  doing what we hope is the best we can and failing daily- but God already knew that about us and loves us anyway. I try on a daily basis to die to myself so that my feelings won't get hurt (but mostly to be pleasing to God) but guess what?  Before I know it, my feelings are hurt or angry or something else that a person dead to one's self should not feel.
• I am so sorry if it made you feel envy or badly about yourself in anyway.  I was hoping by revealing what a loser I am that people might feel just an eensy bit better about who they are......
• xox

I need to follow up these last lines with:  I was hoping by revealing what a loser I am as a struggling Christian, that others out there struggling in the same ways might be encouraged to just keep on keepin' on, one day at a time...sometimes just one minute at a time.  One foot in front of the other, never totally succumbing to the discouragement the enemy so wants us to focus on.

                 -More men are sorry for speaking, than keeping the silence-
                                                                                    Anonymous

Born to Serve

Days 56 and 57 reading assignment:
Leviticus 16:29-20:21
Mark 7:24-8:38
Psalm 41:1- 42:11
Proverbs 10:15-17

Besides preferring my funny side, my husband Brent likes it best when these posts are about him.  He constantly reminds me that it is, indeed, all about him.  After twenty-six years I fully understand the real truth in his remarks, no matter how hard he tries to pretend to only be teasing.

I take full responsibility for this monster I have created.  As the youngest of six siblings my servant internship started very early.  "Cindy change the channel."  "Cindy get the ice cream."  "Oh don't get up, Cindy can get it."  Yes I was born to serve, be it involuntary submission or sheer ignorance, I was born to serve.
My friend Jane said I reminded her of the All in the Family character, Edith Bunker, who was always hurrying to the needs of her Archie.  Archie was always perched comfortably in his favorite chair and waiting impatiently for Edith to place the can of beer in his hand at the end of his hard day.  My Brent also likes to be all comfy and cozy on the couch.  When he hears me in the kitchen he is so sure that I am procuring a snack for him, that when I attempt to surprise him, there he sits with his back to me, right arm outstretched, palm up, to alert me to just leave the dish in his hand...quietly, so as not to disturb his movie.  Does it cross my mind to invert the dish on his head?  Almost always but that would mean a mess for me to clean up as well.  All of this said, I ultimately know who Brent is and how he misbehaves is the direct result of choices I made long ago.  A choice to love and because of that love, to serve as well, even in the midst of obnoxious behavior. :o)

The Bible is chocked full of verses on serving.  These words of wisdom refer to serving the poor and serving the unlovable and ultimately serving without getting anything in return.  It is easy to serve my comedienne husband, and my family.  From them I get so much in return.  I think God gives us our loves to practice on.  But then he expects us to take it on out there and use it, expecting nothing in return.  We are called to serve the people He puts in our lives.  Beating our egos into submission, He expects us to be the foot washers rather than the feet being washed.  It is important to put the dish in that demanding outstretched hand even if we believe the dish belongs inverted on the head.  Why?  Because God is the creator of love.  He is love and ultimately because He loves us.....even in the midst of our own obnoxious behavior.

like sands through the hour glass...So are the Days of Our Lives

Days 48-55 reading assignment:
Leviticus 4:1- 16:28
Mark 2:13- 7:23
Psalm 36:1- 40:17
Proverbs 10:1-14

I'm not getting lazy, nor have I seen any squirrels.  My absence is purely circumstantial and I am doing my best to get some semblance of routine back in my life.  But it is always something.  And yes I do realize that I don't corner any markets with time deficits or family problems.  Our friends are a mixed bag of ages, geographical locations and economic levels.  Everybody has a story, heartaches, and worries.  Some handle it better than others and others don't handle it at all.  I've come to the conclusion that life is not meant to be easy or even happy.  We think that a series of bad days is some sort of curse.  If we could just see these days more as what are typical days of our lives, we might be able to really celebrate and experience the joy of a very random "good day."

I have been traveling a lot lately.  Not to places exotic or tropical, although Redding, Red Bluff and Chico, California feel more tropical than what our local weather has had to offer.  These short jaunts do give me many hours to ponder past conversations with friends and family members who are struggling with life, children, spouses and health issues.  I think we all reach a point when we want to say, 'why me?'  But what we really need to ask is, 'why not me?'  What, other than sheer exhaustion, apathy and a very rebellious spirit exempts me from life's lessons in personal growth?

I set out this morning to "be funny."  While he hasn't come right out and said it, my husband likes me better funny...well at least he likes the funnier posts better.  And while I don't feel any dark clouds hovering overhead, I can't get my humor rythm either.  What I am experiencing is the overwhelming thankfulness for family, friends and life.  Without these things one has no pain, but that which brings us pain also brings so much joy.

I had a text message this morning from a dear friend.  He has faced many serious struggles this past year but he is learning to find the joy in his journey.  His text said: "Good morning.  What a beautiful day.  It's windy, cold and snowy in the hills and my puppy pooped on the floor.  But I look at all these things as good.  The wind blows the leaves out of my yard, the cold makes the leaves look awesome.  Snow is good for deer hunting.  And I'm lucky to have a loving puppy.  Thank you Lord."  This from a guy who could find little to be positive about six months ago.

  Life is blowing by at mach speed.  Children are growing up and parents are growing old.  While life is too long on some days, Psalms 39:4-5 says:
                                                                       Lord, remind me how brief
                                                                       my time on earth will be.
                                                                       Remind me that my days are
                                                                       numbered --
                                                                       how fleeting my life is.
                                                                       You have made my life no longer
                                                                        than the width of my hand.
                                                                       My entire lifetime is just a
                                                                        moment to you;
                                                                       at best each of us is but a breath.
And then the clencher that packs the punch:
                                                                       We are merely moving shadows,
                                                                        and all our busy rushing ends in
                                                                                     NOTHING


It's time again for me to slap myself around, put on my big girl underpants and start behaving the way I wish I felt.  While I would love nothing better than to lie around wollering in a big, fat, pity party-  I'm thinking my time would be much better spent giving thanks for all these days of my life.


                           - I could have missed the pain,
                                                  but I'd of had to miss the dance-
                            lyrics from Garth Brook's "The Dance"    
                                              

Help I'm Complaining and I Can't Stop!

Days 45-47 reading assignment:
Exodus37:1-40:38
Leviticus 1:1-3:17
Matthew 28:1-20
Mark 1:1-2:12
Psalm 34:11-35:28
Proverbs 9:9-18

For whatever reason, I don't get out much anymore.  In fact I go to town so rarely I find I am easily overwhelmed by the busyness of it all.  The crowds and smells and noise is almost too much.  My family thinks I'm kidding when I say I wish Safeway would get a clothing line.

I'm getting a lot of old ladyisms too.  Is it just me or is every store manager, policeman, gas station attendant and doctor twelve years old?  I get grouchy when these people are ...well... stupid.   I ran an errand for my sister-in-law. It should have been a quick trip to Penney's.  But when I got there the catalogue guy sent me up to the shoe department who sent me back to the catalogue guy.  Not once but twice I did this.  Finally the first guy, excuse me, 'Sales Representative',  I spoke with finally punched information into a computer and BINGO!  There was all the information he needed to get me on my way within one minute. I was there for an hour.  And don't even get me started on my experience with the local car dealership.  Let me just say we won't be buying locally. And what is it with the people walking to and from their cars in the Costco parking lot?  Is nobody aware of the multitudes trying to get around them?  I sat there idling today while person after person heaved their consumer laden carts, not quite on the side-walk and not completely out of my bump range.  It's infuriating!

  I went to the Farmer's Market with my daughters earlier this summer on a very specific tamale expedition.  We hunted down our favorite vendor, the one with the chicken chile tamales.  She was sold out but the guy across the way had a nice spinach and cream cheese tamales.  SPINACH AND CREAM CHEESE?....IN A TAMALE!  Is nothing sacred?  I actually got mad.  I got mad because some poor misguided person actually thought spinach/cream cheese tamales would be a good idea.  "The Tamales of What's Happening Now" kind of mentality.  My girl's threatened to send me to the car if I didn't stop with the ranting, so I ate one.  Okay it wasn't horrible but I was still very disappointed.  I don't like this about myself, feeling all crochety and impatient.  But are basic manners no longer a criteria in the customer service handbook?  Is the customer never right anymore?  When exactly did our standards drop so low?  And last but not least, do these arrogant pip squeak car salesmen think I was born yesterday?(We did do all our communication over the phone after-all.)

Evidently the answers to those questions are unimportant.  The question in my reading today asked: "Do you treat every person you meet as though he were Jesus?".......................ouchie

-Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it's his own-
                                               Sydney J Harris

..misty water colored MEMORIES (sing it in your Barbara Streisand voice)

Day 44 reading assignment:
Exodus 35:10-36:38
Matthew 27:32-66
Psalm 34:1-10
Proverbs 9:7-8

I read a lot of memoirs and have thought it would be fun to write mine, just for my family's entertainment of course.  The problem is, with the exception of a very few, I have no childhood memories before the age of 10.  And without memories, one has no "memoir."  This makes me sad because I had a title and everything: "Homecoming Queen in October and Pregnant by Prom."  Now I'm trying to work that title in to a bible study I would like to write for teen-age girls instead.  It is catchy after-all.  But it only refers to a short segment of reckless choices in my high-school days.  That in itself could render it useless as my memoir title, but what a huge role those choices played in the rest of my life.

 I spent the first part of my childhood in very southern California.  The Imperial Valley is a huge agricultural belt twenty-three miles from Mexicali, Mexico.  We lived in a tiny farming community on the corner of "Nowhere and the Sand Dunes."  My mother's mantra was always, "you kids go outside and play"and despite the fact that this is rattlesnake paradise, I don't know if I wore shoes until I was eleven years old.  But my mother was a force to say the least, so go outside we did.  My brother, nearly four years my senior could keep us busy even when the typical summer days paled as the morning sun fried the color out of the ozone.  We had three seasons: The days the wind blew the dirt in our eyes, the day it rained, and hot.  For fun we would take our be-be guns out to the old roofless shop and shoot lizards.  We liked to empty our guns on the lizards, filling them so full of be-bes, they would become our very own "organic" bean bags.  Then, when we tired of squishing them around for the sensory thrill their copper infused bodies offered, we would pinch the pimpled corpse until the be-be popped back out.  This last phase didn't hold our attention long, for after a few extractions the lizard body got slimy from body fluids and we were grossed out.  Disgusting? Yes. But hours of unsupervised fun?  Absolutely.

The environment of my childhood reminds me of scenes from my Bible reading.  The arrid landscape.  The fertile soil.  Pomegranates, lemons and figs grew in our yard and the surrounding region was, and is, a huge supplier of the nation's dates.  I always start  this walk down memory lane with a snapshot in my mind. I see the back of myself.  A little girl, dressed in her brothers well worn hand-me-downs, always barefoot.  In the picture, I am leaning against a front-porch post.  The one the  locusts liked to shed their skins on.  I can remember standing at this post regularly at a certain time of day.  I would fix my eyes on the dirt road across the way, the one that ran down the canal bank.  My eyeballs burning from this deliberate gaze I wouldn't rest until I saw the dust cloud from my daddy's turquoise truck.  The relief I felt from this sighting always left me euphoric because even though I didn't understand it in those days, my father was a functioning alcoholic and the absense of this sighting meant bad things were coming.

It is very interesting to me how since I started reading the Bible consistently, God has begun to permeate every part of my life, of me.  I see everything now in  biblical analogies.  It's a strange and almost bitter-sweet aha moment.  Moments with big regrets of a life with more time behind me than in front of me. Time lost that I didn't spend in a Godly way much less with God personally.  I picture God as that little girl, waiting for me to show up, knowing if I don't, things are coming that He doesn't want me to face without Him.  I made a lot of choices that did not include God.  How incredibly lucky for me that God's glory is revealed in his mercy, grace, compassion, faithfulness, justice and last but so not least, forgiveness.  He took my choices, the messes I made, especially those high-school years, and managed to clean them up, wringing blessing after blessing out of them.

Have you read any good memoirs lately?  I've got a good one for you,  it's not a very catchy title, it's God's memoir.  It's called the Bible.

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.                 -The Wonder Years-

Enemies and Idols

Days 40-43 reading assignment:
Exodus 29:1-35:9
Matthew 26:14-27:31
Psalm 31:19-33:22
Proverbs 8:14-9:6

Our grandson Sawyer is very literal.  He doesn't get it when we ask him if he would like spaghetti for dinner.  We have to call it pasta and red sauce.  After we get him "dressed" in the morning, feeling proud of whatever he is wearing, he comes in to ask if we like his "dressed".  He had an accident his first day of pre-school a few weeks ago because the teacher asked him if he needed to go potty.  He said a firm "no" then proceeded to poop his pants.  I have no clue where it originated, but somewhere through the course of his potty training, he started referring to it as "going brown poop."  So Linz informed his teacher she would need to ask him if he would like to 'go brown poop'.  Literal and specific.  I understand this about Sawyer because I too take things very literally.

  Seventy-two Psalms, almost half the book speaks of enemies.  I keep reading without pause through key scriptures because I don't believe I have enemies.  But enemies are not just the literal sense of the word.  Satan, of course, is our greatest enemy but according to my Bible, temptations can be our enemies.  My application lists examples:

1. Money - never had it, never will
2. Success - not a goal of a dedicated underachiever like me 
3. Prestige - see #2
4. Lust - I sincerely don't think so but this Bible reading has me second guessing everything these days

It's a quick shot down the list, I lick the tip of my pencil and with head held high and without hesitation I check myself off this list.  But something nags.  I get out of Psalms and back to Exodus where the subject matter is all about the Israelites and their incessant need for their mindless idols.  Come on  people puhleeze!   The literal voice in my head sings a righteous; "No golden calves at our house by golly!"  Finally I can feel confident of receiving some tidbit of God's approval in this area.  And with that thought, completely against my will, I flash on the things I have prioritized above God.  The list is long.  And wanting some semblance of self respect I will keep the worst of it to myself.  But it starts with my obsession with my garden.  I couldn't begin to say how many hours I have logged there.  Nobody could know this by looking at my garden today because oddly, circumstances this year have removed almost all of my time in my garden.  Is this some sort of spiritual message?  Nah.  At the other end of my long, dirty list of things more important than God?  I can't believe I am saying this but it is my family.  I am a serial mother.  Don't mess with my family.  But God calls us not to love anything or anyone more than we love Him.....  literally.

Our great temptation is still to shape God to our liking, to make Him convenient to obey or ignore.

Lift Me Up Before You Go Go

Reading Assignment Days 36-38:
Exodus 21:22-28:43
Matthew 24:1-26:13
Psalm 29:1-31:18
Proverbs 7:6-8:13
James 1:2-12


I am not a negative person but when the crisis comes, I take it to the worst possible scenario in my head and convince myself of the impending doom.  Like the time my granddaughter, Morgan, fell face down on a speeding treadmill.  Her mother, my Abbie, knew that playing it cool was the answer since Morg's has a bent for the dramatic.  It was Easter and just as we were ready to sit down at the dinner table we heard a scream that could bloody an eardrum.  Abbie got to Morgan first and was evaluating the seriousness of the injury... a bloody lip.  I arrived in the room and seeing a lip that resembled raw hamburger, I started screaming, "CALL 911!"  Through gritted teeth my daughter cheerily ordered me out of the room.

It seems like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Rather than being uplifting, the philosophy I hand down to my children is "When God closes a door, He also slams all the windows as well."  Or,  "What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead."  I simply am not one for rosey cliche's.  Last year when my sister-in-law was preparing for a dreaded family gathering after her father's memorial, trying to encourage her, I lovingly said, "Well just think, for as badly as you feel right now, this time tomorrow you're going to feel way worse!"  We had a great laugh over it.

My daughter Lindsay and husband CJ and their three boys are living with us.  They moved in the first of July and since their arrival it seems like whatever could go wrong, has gone wrong.  Their oldest son, 4 year old Sawyer, is autistic.  When they got the news that 22 month old Thatcher may be autistic as well, they put their house on the market and headed for home in order to have family support as well as practical help. Since the move they have endured so many disappointments.  From financial challenges to health issues with Thatcher, and countless things in between.  To top it off, the house has not sold.  Moving your family in with your parents is its own lesson in humility but with all they have endured, so far, that may be the easy part of this journey.

In the second verse of the first chapter of James (yes I saw a squirrel and ended up in James, get used to it) it says:  Consider it pure joy, whenever (not IF) you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  It is probably no accident that James is one of my favorite books of the bible.  When I got home from a three day trip yesterday, Linz was feeling anxious and we had a conversation about the many challenges she is praying about now.  If I have learned anything about grown children moving home it is to take the burdens straight to prayer as opposed to handing out unsolicited advice....and I have learned this lesson thee very hardest way.  In fact, it is safe to assume that I haven't actually mastered this one.  Just ask Lindsay.  But when your kids are hurting, you hurt right along with them and want so very badly to fix it.

Yesterday afternoon when little Thatcher was playing on the trampoline with his cousin, I heard him cry.  Thatcher cries often with the many things that frustrate him on a daily basis.  He has few words to help us understand his needs, so Thatcher's crying is nothing alarming.  But hanging with his cousin Matt is one of his favorite things in the world and he rarely cries when Matt is around so the crying caught my attention.  Within a minute I was sure something was seriously wrong.  Linz, just out of the shower, hair dripping, and no make-up headed to the ER.  Thatcher's leg was broken.  Not a "buckle fracture" that can happen at this age.  Children's bones at this age are likened to a green branch of a tree, and when stressed, the bone "buckles".  Thatcher's bone just below his knee is broken, not buckled.  'A clean break,' the doctor said.  He is in a splint from the top of his thigh to the tips of his toes, and he is miserable.  He will see an orthopedic doctor this week for a full cast.

It was late last night before things got back to any kind of normalcy.  Linz was pretty exhausted from the ordeal and she laid her head on my shoulder just needing a hug.  This was my cue for some encouragement.  "See," I said earnestly, "things really can get worse!"  I'm not insensitive by any stretch of the imagination, we just needed a laugh.

If I were writing the application for this verse in James, I would say: "Give thanks for the trials you have, because when they get worse it makes you wish you had the first set of troubles back again!"  Evidently that is what separates me from a bible scholar.  Continuing in James, verse 12 says:  Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

This one is for Linz who, like me, is a hater of all things cliche'.  To say 'Let go and let God' can send us both into fits of uncontrollable, as well as inappropriate giggles- depending on the circumstance.  So to her I will just say:  "hang on baby."

                                                -The cliche' is dead poetry-
                                                                            Gerald Brenan

Cold Water

Days 33-35 reading assignment
Exodus 15:19-21:21
Matthew 22:1-23:39
Psalm 27:1-28:9
Proverbs 6:20-7:5

We have been car shopping. This is not a favorite experience of mine.  I have been dreading it because Brent has fallen hard for the new Camaro.  It's a fine car, all shiny and sleek.  But I am an old cow and old cows shouldn't drive new Camaros.  I'm sure I would look like a lower class version of a cheetah or leopard or some kind of cat- what is that term for the old woman that hooks up with the young guy?   At any rate I wasn't feeling it for the hot car idea.  I am the polar opposite of the ... Bob-cat? Jaguar? I wish I could remember which cat it is.  I am more like the "old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."  I don't need a frump mobile but I don't need a hot rod that only comes in primary colors either.  As the new car quest continues I realize there is a much wider variety of options offered than there were when I bought my car eleven years ago.  Me oh my we Americans are in to our creature comforts aren't we?  The idea of a new car is fun and I get just as sucked in as the next guy when it comes to bells and whistles.  My husband, on the other hand, would be quite content with manual windows and transmissions....with the exception of that sparkly Camaro.  It all feels a little self-indulgent when the salesman is reading down the checklist of options and I want to say "check" to every suggestion he makes.  There is a point when finally I have to say "Whoa big pony, that's enough."

In Matthew 23:25 Jesus is addressing the teachers of religious law and those wiley Pharisees.  He refers to them as hypocrites because they are so careful to 'clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside they are filthy- full of greed and self-indulgence.'

This reminded me of a joke a friend emailed:  A man was visiting his elderly grandfather for the weekend.  He arrived at dinner time and as they sat down to eat, the younger man noticed the plate seemed filmy.  When he asked the grandpa if he had washed the dishes, the old man replied "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them."  At lunch the next day the younger man saw bits of dried egg on the plates, obviously left over from their breakfast.  He questioned the old man again and this time Grandpa answered slightly agitated, "I told you those plates are as clean as cold-water can get them."  The man shrugged it off and finished the meal.  They were leaving to go to town when grandpa looked at the dog on the porch and said, "Cold-water, get in the truck!"

The verse in Matthew continues with Jesus instructing to first wash the inside of the dish and then the outside will become clean as well.  The application says:  Jesus condemned the Pharisees and religious leaders for outwardly appearing upright and holy but inwardly remaining full of corruption and greed (with a healthy side of self-indulgence.)  Living our Christianity merely as a show for others is like washing the outside of the cup...or letting the dog lick it clean.  When we are clean on the inside, our cleanliness on the outside won't be a sham.

It all reads differently to me as I stay in the Bible on a daily basis.  I feel like God reveals things that I previously skipped over because most of it didn't feel relevant.  I was quick to say 'that doesn't pertain to me because I don't do that.'  Now I get squidgy with words like hypocrite, greed and self-indulgent.  I am humbled on a daily basis as I trek through this journey of reading the bible in a year. But along with the humility comes encouragement and hope. And maybe I have a few more lessons to learn because right now I'm sure if I twist and manipulate, I can show Brent where the scriptures say a Camaro is a bad idea, but a bell and whistle or two on the car of my choice could be justified....<

A Pharisee, an Israelite and two blind beggars

Days 31-32 reading assignment
Exodus 12:14-15:18
Matthew 20:29-21:46
Psalm 25:16-26:12
Proverbs 6:12-19

The title really wasn't meant to sound like the beginning of a bad joke but wow where to begin?

1)  I am becoming completely fed up with the Israelites in Exodus as well as the Pharisees in Matthew.  Firstly can we offer those Hebrews a nice goat cheese with that whine?  I hope I am not being disrespectful to God when I picture Him pacing around with His fingers in His ears repeating "lalalalala," to drown the drone of the faithless, whining, and complaining of their collective voice.

2) And then there are the religiously wretched Pharisees who remind me of the s-s-s-slithering s-s-s-snake in the movie The Jungle book.  They demanded to know where Jesus got His authority.  They didn't really want an answer to their question, they only wanted to trap Him.
 I read a comment from a reader that said;  "...how many of us listen only for what we WANT to hear, then complain when we don't hear exactly that?"  The application in my bible read; 'The Pharisees wanted the truth only if it supported their own views and causes."  Hmmm.

3) In Matthew 20 there is a story of the blind beggars who could see that Jesus was the Messiah, while the religious leaders who witnessed Jesus' miracles were blind to His identity, refusing to open their eyes to the truth.  The application reads; "Seeing with your eyes doesn't guarantee seeing with your heart."

As usual when I get really disgusted with the people who got to see the miracles first-hand, there's usually a cold slap in the face waiting for me just around the corner.  Like when I was rolling my eyes in Ex 13 because God couldn't take the Israelites on the shortest route out of Egypt because if the people were faced with battle they might turn back to Egypt.  Really?  Are they that faithless and stupid to walk back into slavery?  But then how many times have I repeated the same bad choice only to have the consequence take me back into slavery?  How many times have I turned my problems over to God only to jerk them back and continue to worry over them because I lacked faith?  Again with the application: If God doesn't lead you along the shortest path to your goal, don't complain or resist.  Follow Him willingly and trust Him to lead you safely around unseen obstacles.  He can see the end of your journey from the beginning and He knows the safest and best route.

I was especially disgruntled when God gave the Hebrews the pillars of cloud and fire.  These I learned were examples of theophany: God appearing in a physical form....GOD APPEARING IN A PHYSICAL FORM!  I read the application on these verses, it went like this: "God gave the Hebrews these 'pillars' so they would know day and night God was with them on their journey to the promised land.  What has God given us so that we can have the same assurance?  The Bible -- something the Israelites did not have."  I have had a Bible in my home for my entire life.  Count 'em folks 54 years.  I am a rabid reader of books.  My books make my husband crazy.  When I am having a bad day I don't buy shoes, I buy books.  The greatest invention of all times was Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble.  I can kill two vices with one stone.  In my book collection are many bibles.  Oh I read the passages required for a Bible study, but until now I have NEVER read the Bible.  It's kind of like when I bought the entire collection of Billy Blanks Kickboxing videos.  I proceeded to lie on my couch and watch them and then complain I never lost a pound.  Oh you actually have to participate?  What a concept.  I profess contentment and turn right around and complain about a discomfort or an inconvenience.  I can ask God for answers and whine and cry because I didn't get the answer I wanted.  I can keep God's fingers in His ears all by myself thank you.

 I am a Pharisee.  I am the faithless whining Israelite.  But I hope to be a blind beggar who sees with her heart when I grow up.
  

Shut-up and Listen

Day 30 reading assignment
Exodus 10:1-12:13
Matt 20:1-28
Psalm 25:1-15
Proverbs 6:6-11

Brent and I are off for a weekend of  fun.  No schedules.  Just flying by the seat of our pants.  It's late as I write this from a hotel by the sea in Newport.  It isn't often that we manage a getaway like this.  Our usual trips out of town are generally based around a job.  Brent goes off to fly a plane and I explore on my own.  Our eventual destination this weekend is The Evergreen Air Museum in McMinnville, Oregon.  The Spruce Goose is there and one of us is really excited to see it.  Nearly every trip we take centers around an airplane but at least this time he won't make a getaway in one.

It usually takes a half a day of being on the road for us to leave "home" behind and get into the spirit of a road trip.  Usually because we are mad at each other by the time we get in the car.  Brent and I are like the old television show "The Odd Couple." It centers around Oscar and Felix, two men who are roommates.  Oscar is a slob, Felix is a highly organized neat freak.  I'm Oscar.  And while my charming idiosyncricies tend to drive my 'Felix' over the edge, his indeciveness, almost more than his orderliness, clearly undoes me.  We were wondering today, how many hours/miles we have logged in twenty-six years, wandering around aimlessly repeating: "Where do you want to eat?"
"I don't know, what sounds good to you?" 

Since last Sunday, I believe it is safe to say, I have asked Brent one hundred times, "What day are we leaving?", "How long will we be gone?" and "Where are we going anyway?"  Most of the time he doesn't even say a direct "I don't know."  He just distracts me with a different question...which I immediately answer!

Evidently, according to his version of a (imaginary) conversation we had yesterday, it was determined that we had a decisive plan for hitting the road today.  I didn't get that memo and my lackadaisical approach to getting on the road this morning kind of got his hypothetical panties in a twist.  This man can say more without ever opening his mouth than anyone I have ever known.  So, not being one to be outdone with body language, we had a regular silent screaming match on.  We both got over it after a looong time and we moved on to having fun.  Finally tonight, when he was in a better mood, we had a conversation about it and we both realized we need to hone up on our communication skills.  I automatically put the blame in his court when the problem comes down to one of us not being a good listener.  It certainly isn't my fault because I am, after-all, a very good listener.  Or am I?

In Psalm 25:4 David expresses his desire for God's guidance.  In my application it says the first step to receiving God's guidance is to want  to be guided.  Which requires being in His word and constantly learning from it.  It is through these steps we will gain the wisdom to perceive God's direction for our lives.  And it takes times of being quiet and ...that's right,  listening.

Whether it is in my conversations with my husband or my prayers, I get so wrapped up prattling on or thinking about what I want to say next, I forget to be quiet (let alone courteous) and deliberately listen.  I tend to demand answers from God more than asking for direction.....I think I'll shut-up now.

Me First

Day 29 reading assignment:
Exodus 8:1-9:35
Matt 19:13-30
Psalm 24:1-10
Proverbs 6:1-5

I am not an athlete.  I was not the first or second person chosen for team sports in elementary school.  I wasn't even in the top 10.  I was never a loner, I had friends, but when it came time to choose up sides they didn't want me.  I'm afraid of the ball, I throw like a girl (a non athletic girl)  and I'm incredibly uncoordinated.   I fall UP the stairs in my house almost weekly.  That's no small feat.  I also fall off my shoes if they're tall.  I played softball on a coed league about nineteen years ago. It was not my choice, they were desperate for one more player and they promised to give me a lot of bench time.  They lied.  I spent the season outfield of course.  I never know which outfield is which.  Is it right-field if you are standing at home facing the field on your right?  Or is it left field because you are out there behind first base facing "home" and that puts you on the left?  Yes, I am no athlete.  Whatever.  I was in that outfield behind first base.  It was a night game.  And everytime a new batter was up I would pray quietly but aloud: "Dear God PLEASE don't let them hit it to me."  It never takes the opposing team long to discover where the weak link on the team is.  I needed no neon arrow pointing me out,  I stuck out just fine by my own merit.  They would send the balls right to me everytime.  And everytime I would miss the fly balls, fumble the grounders, or attempt a throw to third when the play was at first.  I wanted to cry.  I changed my prayer at some point that night to: "Please God let me shine, just one time."   My brother and all his cop friends were on this team.  I knew he was thinking, "she wasn't kidding when she said she stunk."  I had my fill of humiliation and made up my mind to "cowboy up."  The batter was in the box.  I new he was hitting to me.  He had been all night.  The bat made contact with the ball and it was as if time was standing still.  I felt courageous.  This was to be my moment.  I positioned the glove in front of my face, took a breath, and closed my eyes.  I opened my eyes moved my glove so I could see and wham!  Actually it was a dull thud but I don't know how to spell that.  I caught the ball....with my mouth.  I dropped to my knees from the pain and now I prayed: "Please God don't let me cry, my brother will be so embarrassed."  I shined all right.  They called time-out.  Everybody was running to see if I still had a pulse.  I looked like a platypus for almost two weeks.  I no longer pray for God to let me shine.

But how good would it feel to come in first?
The only time I stand out in a crowd is when I humiliate myself.  Like the time I went to the movies on the opening night of "Laura Croft: Tomb Raider".   Back when Angelina pledged her life-blood to her soulmate, Billie Bob Thornton.  Friday night, the theater was packed.  It was summer because I was wearing flip flops.  I remember this because it was the flip-flops that made it possible, as I was climbing up the stairs to sit with a friend, to fall flat on my face, spilling pop-corn in the lap of some poor guy who didn't know what to do with, or for me.  There I lay in the aisle, pop-corn everywhere, in a packed house BEFORE the lights were turned down.  "Are you okay?" the man asked genuinely concerned.  If I had my wits about me I would have lied; "I have a siezure disorder."  But instead I avoided his eyes and clamored on up the steps to my friend.  When I was safe in my seat beside her, she looked straight ahead and said,"I would have come to help you but I didn't want anybody to know I was with you."  I guess He figures I need more lessons in humility than to be first at anything.

Today as I was driving home, a car passed me with the license plate that read: Me 1st.  I was in a snotty mood and I said out loud to no one, "Yeah right pal, right after me."  Then of course I realized I was behind him.
I wanted to use that license plate in my blog later, but I intended to try to make it work into something about our self-centered culture.  When I was finally able to get to the reading tonight, I had to laugh at Matthew 19:30.  It is talking about life in eternity: But in the life to come, the first will be last and the last will be first.  HA!   That so works for me.

Too Much Information

Day 28 reading assignment:
Exodus 5:22-7:25
Matt 18:21- 19:12
Psalm 23:1-6
Proverbs 5:22-23

It's really cold in our house.  I'm shivering because it's very early and I don't want to make noise opening drawers or closet doors to find something warm to put on.  It's very hard to take that initial step and click on the furnace for the very first time of the year, especially when we are told that the temperatures will be back into the eighties in a few days.

Yesterday afternoon I felt the same way but I wasn't cold.  I wanted to remember every detail of the drive to the doctor's office.  My hands were very white and I didn't feel like I could get a good grip on the steering wheel.  My heart felt racie like it does now, a bad combination of coolness and too much caffeine on an empty stomach.  When I pulled in to my sister-in-laws driveway, one look told me she had a restless night's sleep.  Our conversation stalled on the weather.  As I pulled the car into the parking space I wanted to just stay in the safe warm car.  Right here and now, without information, this woman sitting in the seat next to me, whose friendship I have taken for granted most of my life, did not have cancer.  But the moment we walked into the oppressive looking building she would.  When we returned to this car to leave, we would be different than we were just thirty-five minutes earlier.  And all that would have happened was the communication of information from someone who had the correct information to someone who didn't.

 Waiting in the small exam room for the doctor, I started to feel the anxiety seeping in.  In my panic I blurted out my confession;  "I am here to be your rock but right now I feel like I'm going to cry."  Like a force of nature,  in a tone that was scary even though she is eighty years old and I out weigh her by a good fifty pounds, she replied, "I am NOT going to cry, and if you cry I will hit you!"  She got my attention and with a little self-talk I convinced myself once again that this wasn't even a little bit about me and I would not cry...at this time.  She and I have been excellent examples of praying without ceasing and still the doctor stepped into the room and before ever saying an audible word, his look said 'I am so sorry.'  And sure enough when he opened his mouth he said, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, it looks like you have cancer and I want you to see a surgeon as soon as possible."  It seems like a cliche to say "it all seemed so surreal."  But it all seemed sooo surreal.  What about my recent obedience, my praying, my daily reading of the bible?  When does my insurance policy kick in that protects us from this madness?

 Since I started this blog it seems like our family and extended family just shifts from one drama to another.  From medical issues to a pending divorce, struggling businesses to financial crisis', relationships wounded that break family ties and now this.  This morning a small, dim, low wattage bulb clicked on somewhere in the far recesses of my very feeble mind.  The application to Exodus 6:9-12 said: 'Focus on God who must be obeyed instead of the results to be achieved- we must see beyond temporary set backs and reversals. I do tend to fixate on the results I want. I do understand how that mind-set removes my focus from God.  All in all yesterday ended up being the best of the worst news.  The doctor said my sister-in-law was in excellent health and that they caught this early and he felt confident that the outcome would be good.  She is a very young eighty year old after-all.  Any information that includes the word cancer is too much information, but as I take one page at a time in the bible I find myself needing much more of the information that is meant to guide us through times just like these.

No Filter Required

Day 27 reading assignment
Exodus 4:1-5:21
Matt 18:1-20
Psalm 22:19-31
Proverbs 5:15-21

Our oldest grandson, Kyle, is a senior in high school.  He recently interviewed us for his Family Health class.  He needed to ask the question: "What advice would you give me if I was getting married?"  He was to interview couples who had been married over 10 years, 20 years and a newlywed couple who had been married less than 3.  We were the over twenty couple and I was a little nervous about what his grampa would say, but he had to ask us seperately so I had to shed my co-dependence and let those chips fall where they may.  Grampa Brent is a fairly outspoken guy with the sense of humor of a teen-age boy and can be prone to some pretty rich "potty talk".  I constantly remind him to engage some kind of a filter but usually to no avail.  It is his filterless qualities that our Kyle loves so much.  I was very appropriate of course with my advice and bored the poor kid to tears.  After the interview I peeked at Brent's answer and was surprised at the depth of it but as I read on he of course ended it with the important role that sex plays inside the marriage.  I smiled and rolled my eyes realizing the predictability of this man I love.

The application to the reading in Proverbs today said: God never intended marriage to become boring, lifeless and dull.  Sex is a gift God gives to married people for their mutual enjoyment.  Real happiness comes when we decide to find pleasure in the spouse God has given us and to commit ourselves to meeting his/her needs.  The real danger is in doubting that God knows and cares for us.  It is then that we may resent His timing and carelessly pursue sexual pleasure without His blessing. 

It always blows me away when I read the Old and New Testament simultaneously and see the correlation of the two.  The application in Matthew 18:8,9 says :We must remove the stumbling blocks that cause us to sin.  Not to literally cut off our limbs but any relationship, practice, or activity that will lead to sin, should be stopped...cut off.   I relate this to the marriage relationship especially.  There are marriages failing everywhere and many times because of a third person.  It isn't conceivable that on that day we commit to one person for the rest of our life, that we will never be attracted to another person other than our spouse.  At the point that a friendship with another person starts going beyond what is platonically appropriate, it may be time to cut off  that relationship completely.

I was trying really hard to come up with something profound that Kyle might actually hear and remember.  We want to see our kids happily married and this could very well be the only time he comes asking for advice.  I prattled on with something about expectations...I can't even remember now.  But Brent nailed it without even trying.  He wasn't trying to be funny or profound, just saying what he knows to be true very much like what I read today in Proverbs.  The only difference being, Proverbs said it with the filter engaged.

20/20 vision

Day 26 reading assignment:
Exodus 2:11-3:22
Matt: 17:10-27
Psalm 22:1-18
Proverbs 5:7-14

I'm a hypochondriac.  I'm not proud of it and in my defense I do draw from a gene pool muddied with diabetes, heart disease and stroke.  I am convinced almost on a daily basis that I am knock knock knockin on heaven's door.  It is a real fear, from my shortness of breath to my tingling fingers.  If the body is indeed a temple I'm afraid mine is the temple of doom.  This morning I was sitting in my car in the Starbuck's parking lot.  I was catching up on my reading before facing a long to-do list.  As I was reading I was aware of my worsening eyesight.  The words on the page were blurry no matter how I squinted to see them.  I felt a quickening in my chest that something had gone dreadfully wrong with my vision in the last twelve hours.  A noise outside my car caused me to turn to look out the window, I caught my reflection in the side view mirror and realized I was wearing my sunglasses instead of my 2.00 powered magnified reading glasses.  What a relief that despite my impending stroke/heart attack, I am not going blind as well.  But this story serves as my own analogy in my inability to see spiritually.

In Philip Yancey's book, "The Jesus I Never Knew" he talks about an analogy of Jesus by Karl Barth: "A man stands by a window gazing into the streets.  Outside, people are shading their eyes with their hands and looking up into the sky.  Because of the overhang of the building though, the man cannot see what it is they are pointing towards.  We who live 2000 years after Jesus have a viewpoint not unlike the man standing by the window.  We hear the shouts and exclamations.  We study the gestures and words in the Gospels and the many books they have spawned.  Yet no amount of neck-craning will allow us a glimpse of Jesus in the flesh"....he concludes with "sometimes those of us who look for Jesus cannot see past our own noses." 

In Matthew 17 Jesus seems like he is disgusted with the disciples and chastising them for their weak faith.  The application in my bible explains that Jesus' purpose was not to criticize them but to encourage them to greater faith.

I had a call this morning from my sister-in-law.  She is not a hypochondriac.  After two questionable mammograms this month and a procedure last week, her doctor called this morning to say that she needs to come in to the office tomorrow to talk about these latest results.  We all know that good news comes in the form of a form-letter stating that the results were all "within the normal limits".  Doctors do not call you in to tell you there is nothing to worry about.  This sister-in-law is my very dear friend and christian mentor and the most faithful prayer warrior I know.  She would laugh out loud at this description of her because she is also very humble.  After a fleeting bout with dizziness and nausea at the nurse's words she said to me, "It's not about this being cancer.  Whether it is or isn't, it's about how we get through the trial."  She is not crippled with fear but seeing it as a great inconvenience that may cause her to have to rescedule her trip to southern California in a few weeks.  No high drama just a request to "pray her through this."

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says to the disciples: "You didn't have enough faith.  I assure you, even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible.

When I left my sister-in-law's house today, I went to Safeway to buy Mustard seed.  Leaving the store I saw a poster with a big pink ribbon on it that said: The month of OCTOBER is breast cancer awareness month.  It's amazing how immediately one can become aware of breast cancer.

When I got home I opened my bottle of Mustard seed.  They are in fact smaller than a bee-bee.  I'm praying now for just that much faith.  Because with my glasses on, they are even bigger.

The Book Report

Day 25
Gen 50:1-Exodus 2:10
Matt16:13-17:9
Psalm 21:1-13
Proverbs 5:1-6

As I come to the end of Genesis I am thinking about it like that fourth grade book report.  The bare bones highlights of the process of completing the assigned reading.  Title, Author, and the where, when, why of the story.  And of course "key points".
So my book report is on a book titled: Genesis
Author:  Moses  (who, like Cher, Beyonce, Queen Latifah and Brangelina needs no last name).
When: 1450-1410 B.C
Where: The region presently known as the Middle East
Why: To record God's creation of the world and His desire to have a people set apart to worship Him
Key points: (taken from the NLT)

• Genesis sets the stage for the entire Bible.
•  It reveals the person and nature of God (Creator, Sustainer, Judge, Redeemer).
• The value and dignity of human beings (made in God's image, saved by grace, used by God in the world).
• The tragedy and consequences of sin (the fall, separation from God, judgement).
• The promise and assurance of salvation (covenant, forgiveness, promised Messiah). 

In the fourth grade this is where I would stop, copied straight from the book, the end.  Out of laziness I wouldn't expound  on how Genesis means "the beginning" and with new beginnings comes hope. Or how salvation comes by faith.  And my favorite part: the people in Genesis are simple, ordinary people.  It's a consistent thread.  

I've enjoyed reading the bible so far but I am a diet book junkie.  I can tell anybody how to successfully lose weight in thirteen different languages.  Okay so that's an exaggeration but I buy every book that comes out.  They all work, I always lose weight until I get to that part about 'lifestyle change'.  My lifestyle requires adequate levels of german chocolate cake, coffee with cream and steamed vegies with heavy allotments of butter or rich sauces.  There is  a plaque hanging in my kitchen that reads: "If you're afraid of butter use cream"(Julia Child).  So sometime around my 50th birthday I got on an exercise kick, deciding if I was going to eat, throwing all caution to the wind, then exercise was my answer.  I got fit (I say that in past-tense).  I was a lean mean eating machine.  I don't eat because I am trying to drown my sorrows in comfort food, I eat because I LOVE to eat (and I love to cook as well).  So with exercise I was toned and strong, and there was no muffin top to camouflage.  Unfortunately, as with all my obsessions, my need to be fit wavered and now eight weeks short of my 55th birthday I am flabby, soft and afraid to step on the scales.  There is a segue coming soon...Faith, according to my bible, is like a muscle (there it is!) it grows with exercise, gaining strength over time.  And after a lifetime of trusting God, faith can be strong and unwavering.

I'm excited to be through Genesis, but not so I can "get on to the good-stuff" as I earlier believed.  Yes it is a tiny milestone for a dedicated "quitter of all things difficult" as I am, to have finished the first book.  But I am encouraged with the reminder that God uses simple, ordinary, incredibly inadequate people to accomplish His work.  A successful employer knows how to identify the particular gifts of the people he hires and put them where they are productive.  God is the ultimate perfect employer.  I have belonged to churches that urge you to find your "gift" and put them to good use within the church and your community.  As yet I am unable to pinpoint what my particular gift is but staying with my conviction to read the Bible is all the encouragement I need to continue (or actually start) exercising my faith in God in order for Him to show me what that potential is.  From what I understand about Him so far, He can still use me even though I am at my  baby-delivery weight with nothing to deliver.

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it."

Insurance

Day 24
Gen 48:1-49:33
Matt 15:29-16:12
Psalm 20:1-9
Proverbs 4:20-27

 Our 14 year old granddaughter, Morgan, went to Montana in August with her friend Katie.   It was to be a last hurrah before the summer vacation wound down.  Morgie's mom and dad were both reluctant to let her go so far away for so long but neither could come up with a valid reason why she couldn't go.  As she was loading her things in Katie's parents car,  Morgan's mom, Abbie, handed Katie's dad an envelope.  "I know this is really unnecessary," she said, "but here is a medical release as well as our insurance information."  And they were off.

Morgan checked in with classic tales of adventures that precious childhood memories are made of.  Everyone relaxed a little knowing our girl soon would be home and all would be right with the world.  One night when our family was out together, Morgan's daddy, Jason got a call from Katie's dad.  Time stood still as the rest of us got one side of the conversation.  "Hey Mark, how's it going?",  "She what?",  "She's cut from where to where?", "How far to the next hospital?", "Plastic surgeon?"  By now Abbie's color had gone from her face.  She was slipping down in her chair as terror gripped every beat of her heart.  Jason relayed "She's okay!" in a stern voice seeing that his wife was about to come undone.  But the one sided conversation continued with no words of reassurance that our little girl was in fact alright.  Morgan was, thankfully, going to be okay.   She and Katie had driven a four wheeler through a wire fence.  Katie came through it unscathed since she was sitting behind Morgan but Morgan's face was sliced in multiple places.  One cut started just below her left eye at the edge of her nose and extending down her left nostril through her upper lip.  Another slash severed her lower lip cutting through the facial nerve and continuing across her right cheek.  There were numerous other lacerations requiring both internal and external stitching.  She was covered in bruises and her poor little face was swollen almost beyond recognition.  She was attended by so many caring and highly qualified professionals that while she is still hosting some obvious scars, the outlook is good.  I understand that to be so brutally marked two weeks before the start of a girl's freshman year is very traumatic.   And while the boldness of staring onlookers did unnerve her and make her feel self-conscious in the beginning, Morgan hasn't gotten too worked up about the superficial look of her face.  Her Gramps was quick to reasure her that boys thinks scars on girls are cool.  And a girl with scars from wrecking a quad is just that much cooler.  But Brent and I talked at length about all the "what-ifs"  and how that could have been "the phone call" that changed our family forever.

In the bible, one tragic story after another is told.  Families seperated for years at at time.  Joseph was just a boy when his jealous brothers sold him to Ishmaelite traders.  It says his father mourned his death.  But I don't see his pain.  I don't get the full effect of these tragedies.  Sometimes it feels like reading the abridged version.  "How- to" books on writing always teach : show don't tell.  They always talk about words and imagery.  Don't say 'Joe-blow was cold' rather show how he was cold.  In reading the bible, it tells rather than shows and it eliminates dwelling on how these people were effected by the loss of their loved ones.  From the time we got the call about Morgan's accident until Jason and Abbie were able to drive to where she was, 24 hours had passed.  It was another 24 hours before the rest of us were able to get our hands on her.  It didn't take a long time but we were all sure we couldn't have endured another moment.  We had been reassured repeatedly that she was okay but until we saw for ourselves that she was fine everything here at home was on hold until we had her home again.

  Recently our news headlines carried the story of Jaycee Lee Dugard who was returned to her family eighteen years after her abduction.  How amazing for her to be reunited with her family, but what horrors she must have endured.  I won't begin to imagine what she and her family have lived through or what new challenges they may face since being reunited.  I don't know if this family believed in God, or if they blamed God for this tragedy or if they saw God in their child being found all these years later.  I don't know how I would react in the face of such horrifying facts.  But I can't imagine facing a parents worst nightmare without God.
The application in my bible sums it up best: We need never despair because we belong to a loving God.  We never know what good He will bring out of a seemingly hopeless situation.

Even with God I tend to limit Him and His abilities.  I let my desperation override His love, mercy and ultimate forgiveness.  My constant stumbling block is my need for His immediacy to my crisis.  If God had an office wall I believe the plaque that would hang on it would read: Your inability to plan ahead does not create a crisis for me.  I have always kept God on a "need to know" basis in my life.  Always inconsistent with reading His word, haphazard with my prayer time, and hit or miss with church attendence.  All the obvious places I might hear from Him.  But let a crisis befall me and I want His direct line.

Being consistently in the word is helping me clean up my act.  I am more aware than ever of His realness and my need for Him in the everydayness of life.  And maybe when the next big moment presents itself whether it be good news or bad I can feel that confidence that He's got it covered.   Kind of like the insurance jingle: "You're in Good Hands with...GOD"