I'm Sorry

Day 58 reading assignment:
Leviticus 20:22-22:16
Mark 9:1-29
Psalm 43:1-5
Proverbs 10:18


I received an email today from a dear friend who just started reading sawasquirrel.  She said some nice things that I treasure but I was also disturbed by other things she told me.  She said yesterday's post was 'overwhelmingly overwhelming' to her.  After her many years as a Christian servant leaving her feeling discouraged and disappointed in herself, she felt envious that I had achieved something she hadn't.  And had she not gone on to read the post before yesterday's she wouldn't be comfortable to be around me because I was something she longed to be and had not mastered.  She gleaned, from these posts, that I was at peace and in such a good place.  And ultimately that yesterday's post made her feel overwhelmed by her own imperfections.  


I seriously hope I have misunderstood her meaning, but in the event anyone else out there has misunderstood my message these past 58 days, I need to set the record straight.  The following lines are my response to her email and I send it out there to whomever it may concern.  I offer up my heartfelt and most sincere apology if any of these posts conveyed a message of self-serving arrogance.  Or if I, in any way, portrayed myself in a light that made anybody think that I think I have it all together..... :


What on earth are you talking about???? If that is what you got out of my blog- then I have done something incredibly WRONG!!!First of all you have to begin at the beginning. Go back in to Sept and read starting with "Do What You Dread"

•  I am one BIG (literally and figuratively) mistake.  A mess.  A failure.  A hypocrite.  A bumbling idiot.  A quitter of all things.  An insecure fool....the list goes on. I am many times ALL those things and more all at the same time.
• I am learning, with teensy tiny baby steps to find God's peace...not my own, in the midst of this beautiful mess called life.
• The cross I (we all) carry in this life is a thankless one for sure but I think I have finally gotten old and beaten down enough to no longer need the thanks....most days. :o)
• I am sooo affected by this worldly world but at least I will not give up trying to NOT be.
• I am so NOT completely gracious about anything!!!
• I have so NOT mastered standing up for myself, but life after 50 is making that slightly more do-able.
• I am a big ole, pathetic, self pitying, middle aged woman who has quit just about everything I ever thought about starting.  My life is closer to being over and I have left no great legacy.  
• For now I have committed to reading the Bible through in one year and I feel it changing me-that scares me too...and I am only on day 58, what if I quit this too?
• All we have is today. I am pledging this minute to follow God as best I can, 5 minutes from now could be another story.
• If I have sent out some kind of arrogant message that I have it all together I need to send out a heartfelt apology to you and the other (9) people who read it- and I will remove this blog from the page this instant-because the opposite of that is what is true.  The whole gist of it is meant to be that we slog through  doing what we hope is the best we can and failing daily- but God already knew that about us and loves us anyway. I try on a daily basis to die to myself so that my feelings won't get hurt (but mostly to be pleasing to God) but guess what?  Before I know it, my feelings are hurt or angry or something else that a person dead to one's self should not feel.
• I am so sorry if it made you feel envy or badly about yourself in anyway.  I was hoping by revealing what a loser I am that people might feel just an eensy bit better about who they are......
• xox

I need to follow up these last lines with:  I was hoping by revealing what a loser I am as a struggling Christian, that others out there struggling in the same ways might be encouraged to just keep on keepin' on, one day at a time...sometimes just one minute at a time.  One foot in front of the other, never totally succumbing to the discouragement the enemy so wants us to focus on.

                 -More men are sorry for speaking, than keeping the silence-
                                                                                    Anonymous