Too Much Information

Day 28 reading assignment:
Exodus 5:22-7:25
Matt 18:21- 19:12
Psalm 23:1-6
Proverbs 5:22-23

It's really cold in our house.  I'm shivering because it's very early and I don't want to make noise opening drawers or closet doors to find something warm to put on.  It's very hard to take that initial step and click on the furnace for the very first time of the year, especially when we are told that the temperatures will be back into the eighties in a few days.

Yesterday afternoon I felt the same way but I wasn't cold.  I wanted to remember every detail of the drive to the doctor's office.  My hands were very white and I didn't feel like I could get a good grip on the steering wheel.  My heart felt racie like it does now, a bad combination of coolness and too much caffeine on an empty stomach.  When I pulled in to my sister-in-laws driveway, one look told me she had a restless night's sleep.  Our conversation stalled on the weather.  As I pulled the car into the parking space I wanted to just stay in the safe warm car.  Right here and now, without information, this woman sitting in the seat next to me, whose friendship I have taken for granted most of my life, did not have cancer.  But the moment we walked into the oppressive looking building she would.  When we returned to this car to leave, we would be different than we were just thirty-five minutes earlier.  And all that would have happened was the communication of information from someone who had the correct information to someone who didn't.

 Waiting in the small exam room for the doctor, I started to feel the anxiety seeping in.  In my panic I blurted out my confession;  "I am here to be your rock but right now I feel like I'm going to cry."  Like a force of nature,  in a tone that was scary even though she is eighty years old and I out weigh her by a good fifty pounds, she replied, "I am NOT going to cry, and if you cry I will hit you!"  She got my attention and with a little self-talk I convinced myself once again that this wasn't even a little bit about me and I would not cry...at this time.  She and I have been excellent examples of praying without ceasing and still the doctor stepped into the room and before ever saying an audible word, his look said 'I am so sorry.'  And sure enough when he opened his mouth he said, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, it looks like you have cancer and I want you to see a surgeon as soon as possible."  It seems like a cliche to say "it all seemed so surreal."  But it all seemed sooo surreal.  What about my recent obedience, my praying, my daily reading of the bible?  When does my insurance policy kick in that protects us from this madness?

 Since I started this blog it seems like our family and extended family just shifts from one drama to another.  From medical issues to a pending divorce, struggling businesses to financial crisis', relationships wounded that break family ties and now this.  This morning a small, dim, low wattage bulb clicked on somewhere in the far recesses of my very feeble mind.  The application to Exodus 6:9-12 said: 'Focus on God who must be obeyed instead of the results to be achieved- we must see beyond temporary set backs and reversals. I do tend to fixate on the results I want. I do understand how that mind-set removes my focus from God.  All in all yesterday ended up being the best of the worst news.  The doctor said my sister-in-law was in excellent health and that they caught this early and he felt confident that the outcome would be good.  She is a very young eighty year old after-all.  Any information that includes the word cancer is too much information, but as I take one page at a time in the bible I find myself needing much more of the information that is meant to guide us through times just like these.

No Filter Required

Day 27 reading assignment
Exodus 4:1-5:21
Matt 18:1-20
Psalm 22:19-31
Proverbs 5:15-21

Our oldest grandson, Kyle, is a senior in high school.  He recently interviewed us for his Family Health class.  He needed to ask the question: "What advice would you give me if I was getting married?"  He was to interview couples who had been married over 10 years, 20 years and a newlywed couple who had been married less than 3.  We were the over twenty couple and I was a little nervous about what his grampa would say, but he had to ask us seperately so I had to shed my co-dependence and let those chips fall where they may.  Grampa Brent is a fairly outspoken guy with the sense of humor of a teen-age boy and can be prone to some pretty rich "potty talk".  I constantly remind him to engage some kind of a filter but usually to no avail.  It is his filterless qualities that our Kyle loves so much.  I was very appropriate of course with my advice and bored the poor kid to tears.  After the interview I peeked at Brent's answer and was surprised at the depth of it but as I read on he of course ended it with the important role that sex plays inside the marriage.  I smiled and rolled my eyes realizing the predictability of this man I love.

The application to the reading in Proverbs today said: God never intended marriage to become boring, lifeless and dull.  Sex is a gift God gives to married people for their mutual enjoyment.  Real happiness comes when we decide to find pleasure in the spouse God has given us and to commit ourselves to meeting his/her needs.  The real danger is in doubting that God knows and cares for us.  It is then that we may resent His timing and carelessly pursue sexual pleasure without His blessing. 

It always blows me away when I read the Old and New Testament simultaneously and see the correlation of the two.  The application in Matthew 18:8,9 says :We must remove the stumbling blocks that cause us to sin.  Not to literally cut off our limbs but any relationship, practice, or activity that will lead to sin, should be stopped...cut off.   I relate this to the marriage relationship especially.  There are marriages failing everywhere and many times because of a third person.  It isn't conceivable that on that day we commit to one person for the rest of our life, that we will never be attracted to another person other than our spouse.  At the point that a friendship with another person starts going beyond what is platonically appropriate, it may be time to cut off  that relationship completely.

I was trying really hard to come up with something profound that Kyle might actually hear and remember.  We want to see our kids happily married and this could very well be the only time he comes asking for advice.  I prattled on with something about expectations...I can't even remember now.  But Brent nailed it without even trying.  He wasn't trying to be funny or profound, just saying what he knows to be true very much like what I read today in Proverbs.  The only difference being, Proverbs said it with the filter engaged.

20/20 vision

Day 26 reading assignment:
Exodus 2:11-3:22
Matt: 17:10-27
Psalm 22:1-18
Proverbs 5:7-14

I'm a hypochondriac.  I'm not proud of it and in my defense I do draw from a gene pool muddied with diabetes, heart disease and stroke.  I am convinced almost on a daily basis that I am knock knock knockin on heaven's door.  It is a real fear, from my shortness of breath to my tingling fingers.  If the body is indeed a temple I'm afraid mine is the temple of doom.  This morning I was sitting in my car in the Starbuck's parking lot.  I was catching up on my reading before facing a long to-do list.  As I was reading I was aware of my worsening eyesight.  The words on the page were blurry no matter how I squinted to see them.  I felt a quickening in my chest that something had gone dreadfully wrong with my vision in the last twelve hours.  A noise outside my car caused me to turn to look out the window, I caught my reflection in the side view mirror and realized I was wearing my sunglasses instead of my 2.00 powered magnified reading glasses.  What a relief that despite my impending stroke/heart attack, I am not going blind as well.  But this story serves as my own analogy in my inability to see spiritually.

In Philip Yancey's book, "The Jesus I Never Knew" he talks about an analogy of Jesus by Karl Barth: "A man stands by a window gazing into the streets.  Outside, people are shading their eyes with their hands and looking up into the sky.  Because of the overhang of the building though, the man cannot see what it is they are pointing towards.  We who live 2000 years after Jesus have a viewpoint not unlike the man standing by the window.  We hear the shouts and exclamations.  We study the gestures and words in the Gospels and the many books they have spawned.  Yet no amount of neck-craning will allow us a glimpse of Jesus in the flesh"....he concludes with "sometimes those of us who look for Jesus cannot see past our own noses." 

In Matthew 17 Jesus seems like he is disgusted with the disciples and chastising them for their weak faith.  The application in my bible explains that Jesus' purpose was not to criticize them but to encourage them to greater faith.

I had a call this morning from my sister-in-law.  She is not a hypochondriac.  After two questionable mammograms this month and a procedure last week, her doctor called this morning to say that she needs to come in to the office tomorrow to talk about these latest results.  We all know that good news comes in the form of a form-letter stating that the results were all "within the normal limits".  Doctors do not call you in to tell you there is nothing to worry about.  This sister-in-law is my very dear friend and christian mentor and the most faithful prayer warrior I know.  She would laugh out loud at this description of her because she is also very humble.  After a fleeting bout with dizziness and nausea at the nurse's words she said to me, "It's not about this being cancer.  Whether it is or isn't, it's about how we get through the trial."  She is not crippled with fear but seeing it as a great inconvenience that may cause her to have to rescedule her trip to southern California in a few weeks.  No high drama just a request to "pray her through this."

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says to the disciples: "You didn't have enough faith.  I assure you, even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible.

When I left my sister-in-law's house today, I went to Safeway to buy Mustard seed.  Leaving the store I saw a poster with a big pink ribbon on it that said: The month of OCTOBER is breast cancer awareness month.  It's amazing how immediately one can become aware of breast cancer.

When I got home I opened my bottle of Mustard seed.  They are in fact smaller than a bee-bee.  I'm praying now for just that much faith.  Because with my glasses on, they are even bigger.

The Book Report

Day 25
Gen 50:1-Exodus 2:10
Matt16:13-17:9
Psalm 21:1-13
Proverbs 5:1-6

As I come to the end of Genesis I am thinking about it like that fourth grade book report.  The bare bones highlights of the process of completing the assigned reading.  Title, Author, and the where, when, why of the story.  And of course "key points".
So my book report is on a book titled: Genesis
Author:  Moses  (who, like Cher, Beyonce, Queen Latifah and Brangelina needs no last name).
When: 1450-1410 B.C
Where: The region presently known as the Middle East
Why: To record God's creation of the world and His desire to have a people set apart to worship Him
Key points: (taken from the NLT)

• Genesis sets the stage for the entire Bible.
•  It reveals the person and nature of God (Creator, Sustainer, Judge, Redeemer).
• The value and dignity of human beings (made in God's image, saved by grace, used by God in the world).
• The tragedy and consequences of sin (the fall, separation from God, judgement).
• The promise and assurance of salvation (covenant, forgiveness, promised Messiah). 

In the fourth grade this is where I would stop, copied straight from the book, the end.  Out of laziness I wouldn't expound  on how Genesis means "the beginning" and with new beginnings comes hope. Or how salvation comes by faith.  And my favorite part: the people in Genesis are simple, ordinary people.  It's a consistent thread.  

I've enjoyed reading the bible so far but I am a diet book junkie.  I can tell anybody how to successfully lose weight in thirteen different languages.  Okay so that's an exaggeration but I buy every book that comes out.  They all work, I always lose weight until I get to that part about 'lifestyle change'.  My lifestyle requires adequate levels of german chocolate cake, coffee with cream and steamed vegies with heavy allotments of butter or rich sauces.  There is  a plaque hanging in my kitchen that reads: "If you're afraid of butter use cream"(Julia Child).  So sometime around my 50th birthday I got on an exercise kick, deciding if I was going to eat, throwing all caution to the wind, then exercise was my answer.  I got fit (I say that in past-tense).  I was a lean mean eating machine.  I don't eat because I am trying to drown my sorrows in comfort food, I eat because I LOVE to eat (and I love to cook as well).  So with exercise I was toned and strong, and there was no muffin top to camouflage.  Unfortunately, as with all my obsessions, my need to be fit wavered and now eight weeks short of my 55th birthday I am flabby, soft and afraid to step on the scales.  There is a segue coming soon...Faith, according to my bible, is like a muscle (there it is!) it grows with exercise, gaining strength over time.  And after a lifetime of trusting God, faith can be strong and unwavering.

I'm excited to be through Genesis, but not so I can "get on to the good-stuff" as I earlier believed.  Yes it is a tiny milestone for a dedicated "quitter of all things difficult" as I am, to have finished the first book.  But I am encouraged with the reminder that God uses simple, ordinary, incredibly inadequate people to accomplish His work.  A successful employer knows how to identify the particular gifts of the people he hires and put them where they are productive.  God is the ultimate perfect employer.  I have belonged to churches that urge you to find your "gift" and put them to good use within the church and your community.  As yet I am unable to pinpoint what my particular gift is but staying with my conviction to read the Bible is all the encouragement I need to continue (or actually start) exercising my faith in God in order for Him to show me what that potential is.  From what I understand about Him so far, He can still use me even though I am at my  baby-delivery weight with nothing to deliver.

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it."

Insurance

Day 24
Gen 48:1-49:33
Matt 15:29-16:12
Psalm 20:1-9
Proverbs 4:20-27

 Our 14 year old granddaughter, Morgan, went to Montana in August with her friend Katie.   It was to be a last hurrah before the summer vacation wound down.  Morgie's mom and dad were both reluctant to let her go so far away for so long but neither could come up with a valid reason why she couldn't go.  As she was loading her things in Katie's parents car,  Morgan's mom, Abbie, handed Katie's dad an envelope.  "I know this is really unnecessary," she said, "but here is a medical release as well as our insurance information."  And they were off.

Morgan checked in with classic tales of adventures that precious childhood memories are made of.  Everyone relaxed a little knowing our girl soon would be home and all would be right with the world.  One night when our family was out together, Morgan's daddy, Jason got a call from Katie's dad.  Time stood still as the rest of us got one side of the conversation.  "Hey Mark, how's it going?",  "She what?",  "She's cut from where to where?", "How far to the next hospital?", "Plastic surgeon?"  By now Abbie's color had gone from her face.  She was slipping down in her chair as terror gripped every beat of her heart.  Jason relayed "She's okay!" in a stern voice seeing that his wife was about to come undone.  But the one sided conversation continued with no words of reassurance that our little girl was in fact alright.  Morgan was, thankfully, going to be okay.   She and Katie had driven a four wheeler through a wire fence.  Katie came through it unscathed since she was sitting behind Morgan but Morgan's face was sliced in multiple places.  One cut started just below her left eye at the edge of her nose and extending down her left nostril through her upper lip.  Another slash severed her lower lip cutting through the facial nerve and continuing across her right cheek.  There were numerous other lacerations requiring both internal and external stitching.  She was covered in bruises and her poor little face was swollen almost beyond recognition.  She was attended by so many caring and highly qualified professionals that while she is still hosting some obvious scars, the outlook is good.  I understand that to be so brutally marked two weeks before the start of a girl's freshman year is very traumatic.   And while the boldness of staring onlookers did unnerve her and make her feel self-conscious in the beginning, Morgan hasn't gotten too worked up about the superficial look of her face.  Her Gramps was quick to reasure her that boys thinks scars on girls are cool.  And a girl with scars from wrecking a quad is just that much cooler.  But Brent and I talked at length about all the "what-ifs"  and how that could have been "the phone call" that changed our family forever.

In the bible, one tragic story after another is told.  Families seperated for years at at time.  Joseph was just a boy when his jealous brothers sold him to Ishmaelite traders.  It says his father mourned his death.  But I don't see his pain.  I don't get the full effect of these tragedies.  Sometimes it feels like reading the abridged version.  "How- to" books on writing always teach : show don't tell.  They always talk about words and imagery.  Don't say 'Joe-blow was cold' rather show how he was cold.  In reading the bible, it tells rather than shows and it eliminates dwelling on how these people were effected by the loss of their loved ones.  From the time we got the call about Morgan's accident until Jason and Abbie were able to drive to where she was, 24 hours had passed.  It was another 24 hours before the rest of us were able to get our hands on her.  It didn't take a long time but we were all sure we couldn't have endured another moment.  We had been reassured repeatedly that she was okay but until we saw for ourselves that she was fine everything here at home was on hold until we had her home again.

  Recently our news headlines carried the story of Jaycee Lee Dugard who was returned to her family eighteen years after her abduction.  How amazing for her to be reunited with her family, but what horrors she must have endured.  I won't begin to imagine what she and her family have lived through or what new challenges they may face since being reunited.  I don't know if this family believed in God, or if they blamed God for this tragedy or if they saw God in their child being found all these years later.  I don't know how I would react in the face of such horrifying facts.  But I can't imagine facing a parents worst nightmare without God.
The application in my bible sums it up best: We need never despair because we belong to a loving God.  We never know what good He will bring out of a seemingly hopeless situation.

Even with God I tend to limit Him and His abilities.  I let my desperation override His love, mercy and ultimate forgiveness.  My constant stumbling block is my need for His immediacy to my crisis.  If God had an office wall I believe the plaque that would hang on it would read: Your inability to plan ahead does not create a crisis for me.  I have always kept God on a "need to know" basis in my life.  Always inconsistent with reading His word, haphazard with my prayer time, and hit or miss with church attendence.  All the obvious places I might hear from Him.  But let a crisis befall me and I want His direct line.

Being consistently in the word is helping me clean up my act.  I am more aware than ever of His realness and my need for Him in the everydayness of life.  And maybe when the next big moment presents itself whether it be good news or bad I can feel that confidence that He's got it covered.   Kind of like the insurance jingle: "You're in Good Hands with...GOD"

Hurry-up and Wait

Days 18-23
Gen 37:1-47:31
Matt 12:22-15:28
Psalm 16:1-19:14
Proverbs 3:27-4:19

I always laugh a little, while caged within the masses of heavy traffic, at that one driver smarter than the rest of us who decides to gun it and pass everyone on the wrong side of the road.  Inevitably five minutes up the road, there he sits, blinkers glaring as he waits to get back into the stream of traffic snailing forward.  His need to hurry and beat the crowd leaves him back further than where he started.

Waiting has become a lost art in our culture where immediate gratification reigns.  WAIT: the action of staying where one is-  delaying a time - until something else happens.  The word wait is a verb.  A verb is a word that describes an action, state or occurence.

I hate to wait around doing nothing.  It is inherent of our culture to keep busy, moving forward, progressing.  As I continue to be faithful in this reading it has been brought to my attention how much God called the people of the bible to wait.  Noah waited what must have seemed an eternity, couped up on that boat with literally every walk of animal life as well as his entire family.  God told him to wait until He gave the okay to set foot on dry land.  Abraham and Sarah were told to wait for a son.  Nearly one hundred years they waited.  Jacob worked for 7 years to get Rebekah's hand, and then another seven years to pay her off and own her outright.  In my own spiritual journey I can track my times of waiting in the desert.  These times are always followed up with growth of one kind or another.  Yet I still expect immediate answers to my prayers and still I loathe the waiting on God.  Realizing now that to wait is an action, not an idleness, I find myself anxious to see what might be in store if I am actually able to hone this into a skill, or at least see the waiting as an action and not a complete waste of time.

My daughter and son-in-law and their family moved in to our house almost two months ago.  Since that day we have all been actively praying for their Portland home to sell, not because we don't like co-habitating.  I just know they need their privacy and with two of their three little boys having special needs, this family needs their routines and a sense of order to their everyday life.  In turn, they are very respectful of our privacy and worry about over staying their welcome.  So the logical answer is for their house to sell so they can get back to their life.  Everything is on hold until this one thing happens.  People close to us are facing challenges in their workplace, everything could be immediately improved if some obvious changes could take place, but these changes require...waiting.  Waiting for a chain of events to occur in order to get on with life as they know it.  Possible oppurtunities are knocking in other parts of my life, oppurtunities with an infinite list of unknowns.  Oppurtunities that may require stepping out in faith, but before the stepping out part can happen, waiting is required.  So in the meantime everything seems like it is in limbo because nothing happens while we wait right?  I don't think so.  We wait for nine months to have a baby.  Major miraculous unseen things are happening as the fetus grows and forms all the integral parts for that infant to function outside the body.  When winter sets in and the earth seems dead for months, nature is taking the necessary steps to burst into rebirth, but we see nothing on the topside as we wait for spring.  This concept is probably an obvious fact to the rest of the world, but as my youngest son likes to say, 'mom's not always the sharpest knife in the drawer '(he says this with the utmost love and respect and strangely no one else in my family ever feels a need to defend me). This has been a revelation to me, like a sack of rocks smack in my face revelation.  It excites me and gives me hope that God is listening, things are changing, maybe even I am changing when nothing seems to be happening.  Being the impatient person that I am I now find myself anxious to hurry up and wait.

                      

Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional

Days 11 through 17 Reading assignment:
Gen 24:52-36:43
Matt: 8:18-12:21
Psalm 10:1-15:5
Proverbs 3:7-26

"I am so over the Old Testament."  I actually spoke those words to a friend last year.  I think I continued with something like, "Its just so old and boring."  Spoken like a scholar.  Ah if only I could take back the bottomless pit of stupid I have put into the spoken word.  I have been on a rabid rampage of reading this weekend, determined to get caught up to where I am supposed to be.  I am surprised that the more I read, the more I need/want to read.  This has never been the case for me in the past and I like where this venture is taking me.  I enjoyed the verses regarding wisdom in Proverbs, and I'm fairly sure it is no coincidence that the verses in Psalms that grabbed me, all  had to do with the destruction a tongue can cause.  I jotted so many notes out of Matthew that those  comments will need to wait for a later date.  But it's Genesis I want to get back to.  In the beginning (no pun intended) it was just my wish to get through this book of the Bible and on to the "good stuff."  I know.  I'm just the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to my unenlightened condition.  Genesis is the beginning after-all.  A rich history of the patriarchs of the Bible;  Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  It's all about family and I am freakishly obsessed about family.

 It is mind boggling to me how messed up these families were.  And I get an odd sense of comfort from their examples of weak or wavering faith.  After-all if these people, who lived in a time when the chosen would actually hear the audible voice of God and see His blessings first hand, could have moments of weak faith it could only shine well on the rest of us right?  The last 12 chapters of Genesis have been something off the Lifetime Movie Channel.  Lying, cheating, conniving, and that's just the sibling rivalry.  A mother assisting a son in stealing his twin's blessing, a son-in-law being tricked out of the wife he thought he was "buying",  the wives of Jacob competing to see who can give him the most sons, and my favorite,  Esau trading his birthright for a bowl of stew.  While the exact scenarios within these chapters were more extreme than anything I can relate to, God's reaction to them was not.  He takes our bad choices and brings goodness out of them, sometimes even despite our flagrant disobedience.

I met my husband in 1983.  He had a two year old daughter and I had two daughters ages three and eight, and an eleven year old son.  We knew early on in our relationship that we were meant to be together and seven months after our first meeting we were married.  Eight months after that we had a baby boy (it would be very rude of you to judge me).  We were off and running on our version of yours, mine and ours.  I like to say it was much like the Brady Bunch if you could picture the Brady's (hypothetically) on crack and armed with weapons.  Blending a family is not for the faint hearted.  There were days when I would climb back into my bed, fully dressed shoes and all,  pull the covers over my head and scream into the pillow: "I HATE MY LIFE!!!"  It was always something.  The only thing that balanced out the drama was the sibling rivalry. I still feel ashamed when I think of my infantile tantrums.   Shortly into our marriage my husband became a tanker pilot.  He puts out forest fires with an airplane.  This takes him on the road from May or June until November or December.  This was a dynamic that sometimes compounded my frustration but it also contributed to the richness of our very non-traditional family life.  Now I treasure those memories and am aware of the countless blessings amid the utter chaos.

  When I was six years old I knew all I wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother.  I had a very distinct picture of how I thought that life should look, very June Cleaver.  Seventeen probably wasn't the wisest age to start this dream, but like Esau, I wasn't thinking things through to the consequence part.  But God continuously takes my bad choices and turns them into blessings.  The truth of my reality is far better than anything I could have planned for myself.

It is obvious from what I am reading in Genesis, that the dysfunctional family started long before this word became a popular psycho-babble term.  I am the original hater of everything cliche but isn't it just so like God to put the fun back in dysfunctional?


                                       Family: the ties that gag and bind
                                                     - Erma Bombeck-
       

A Box of God

Still day 10:
Matt 8:1-17

Before starting the blog I was stumbling through this chapter of my life with a heavy heart.  I would run into people who would say things like "you just don't seem like yourself."  And in truth, I wasn't and may not be yet.  Sometimes the "Days of Our Lives",  much like the soap opera, just become too much.  I was in and out of prayerfulness but fully engaged in worry and anxiety.  Not surprisingly, the conviction to read the bible has lightened the burden.

I keep going back to the question:  What keeps me from Christ?  For a non-believer the answer is easy.  For a believer you must first get to the realization that you do keep yourself from Christ.  Over the past several days I have learned that it is many things.  Everything from my rebelliousness to the distracting squirrels.

After reading Matthew 8:1-17 I am reminded yet again how I limit God in my life.  I keep Him in a pristine God box and expect Him to work within my preset perimeters.  I lose sight that God is God whether I believe Him or not (much less believe IN Him).  I pray specific prayers and when He doesn't grant relief to my burdens like some genie in a bottle, I whine and complain and feel sorry for myself.  I beg Him to use me and grow me and when it starts to hurt I scream "UNCLE!".

The application in my bible reads:
"We must be careful not to become so set in our religious habits that we expect God to work only in specified ways.  Don't limit God by your mind-set and lack of faith."  Hebrews 11:6 sums it up best:   We will never have faith that exceeds the God we perceive.

  I'm throwing the box away, no matter how much it hurts.

The Compost Pile

Day 10 reading assignment:
Gen 23;1-24:51
Matt 8:1-17
Psalm 9:13-20
Proverbs 3:1-6

I was reading a book recently on writing.  The author talked about the importance of writing practice and compared it to a compost pile.   The practice of writing wasn't supposed to produce anything of value but  persevering through this process would.

I get a little self-conscious about this blogging.  I resisted it earlier because while researching the idea I came across articles about the self-centeredness of the concept.   It seems, many times, like nothing more than a public journal.  I record my thoughts and opinions and click a button and send it out into cyber-space for anyone to read.  It is impossible to limit the use of "I" and "me" in these writings since all I have to go on are the thoughts and opinions of "I" and "me".  It's like Facebook where a person can write an update on their status  everytime they scratch.  But I like to write and this serves as a venue.  I am a dedicated under achiever and this works.  What keeps me from writing, more than criticism, is the fear that I have nothing valuable to say.  As I have entered into this journey of reading the bible I have been forced to look more deeply inside myself.  Like the words I and me anything connected to the word 'self' makes me nervous as well.  I feel like my ego is being exposed and I am trying to learn from this experience not to fall back in to the same bad habits that feed the wretched beast.

 I don't know how I ended up back in Psalm 8 today but I was glad I did because it was like an unexpected present.  Since the second day of this project I keep getting a glimpse of my terrible self.  We all have one, a terrible self.  We need to know this part of us so that we can face it and, with God's help, do something about it.  These verses reminded me that while God wants us to see the areas of our lives that need improvement, He has already declared how valuable we are to Him and we can be set free from feelings of worthlessness.  The application said, 'To respect God's majesty, we must compare ourselves to his greatness.  When we look at creation, we often feel small by comparison.  To feel small is a healthy way to get back to reality but God does not want us to dwell on our smallness.  Humility means proper respect for God, not self-depreciation.' 


I am a wannabe gardener and I have a compost pile, several actually.  There are many levels to a compost pile.  Dead plants, kitchen garbage and even some aged horse manure.  Through the aging process this heap gets turned over and ever so gradually these layers of ick transform into this rich fertile garden soil.  One day last spring, in the midst of egg shells and coffee grounds, blooming in my compost was a crocus in the richest shade of purple.  This analogy gives me encouragement as I look into the layers of myself and realize that God thankfully can see something beyond my egg shells, coffee grounds and yes...... the manure.

       What is a weed?  A plant whose virtues haven't been discovered. 
                                                   -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

Arrested Development

Day 9 reading assignment:
Gen 20:1-22:24
Matt 7:15-29
Psalm 9:1-12
Proverbs 2:16-22

The peaches are rotting.  Dirty towels are pro-creating in my laundry room.  The itchy bald spot on my dog's back isn't going away.  She's had a skin condition for 3 weeks and everynight I make an imaginary note to self to call the vet.  The maintenance on the furnace is past due and so is my mammogram and my colonoscopy.  My hormones are out of whack.  I need a dentist appointment and there's a piano for sale in my carport.  Well it would be for sale if I had posted the Craigslist add two months ago.  Acorns are dropping at mach speed in my yard  while weeds are sprouting everywhere.  There is mold on the shower curtain and cobwebs on my ceiling.  That last bit sounds like a  title for a country song but in reality it is my life.  I'm spiraling down in the chaos of busyness.  The squirrels are back and I have a strong desire to veer off the path. While I'm staying on track with the daily reading assignment, it's showing up at the blog page that has hit a set-back.  In my defense I've had some technical difficulties recently but that is not the problem.  My problem is and has been for many years, busyness.  I decided to do a little research on the subject of busyness and I am wishing I would have just commented on Genesis 20 and left well enough alone.

The first words I found defining busyness were: egotistical, arrogant, morally lazy, irresponsible stewardship of time.  I was stung by these words and then I read: ' Busyness is the enemy of spirituality.  It is essentially laziness.  It is doing the easy thing instead of the difficult.  It is filling our time with our own actions instead of paying attention to God's actions.  It is taking charge.'

Another article I found said: Someone once said that a bore is someone who, when you ask her how she is, tells you.  A bigger bore is someone who, when you remark that you notice she is busy, details how busy and with what activities.  I am stricken with these truths.  These are the very things I do and say.  I feel like I need to send "Please forgive me" notices to everyone near and dear to me.  I thought my circumstances justified my busyness.  But the sad truth is busyness has taken a toll on relationships that I treasure.  It has nearly destroyed the state of my home.  It is rendering me useless to God and the people who depend on me.  It is the "Big Gun" in the enemy's arsenal and I have wielded it like a bank robber.

Once again it is being brought to my attention that I can do nothing when I don't make God my priority.  When I try to put Him off until I get everything else done, nothing gets done.  I hurry through every single day only to wake the next morning facing the same unfinished chore list and compounding my inferior feelings.  (More self-centering)  I must make satan so proud.

I am unpleasantly surprised at this discovery, and I am humbled.  I was sure when I committed to this project that it would grow me spiritually and the thought of that was exciting.  What I had in mind was more gain less pain.  The truth really does hurt my heart.  I have wasted a lot of life being busy.  But not anymore.  In the true spirit of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind (and I'm paraphrasing) "As God as my witness, the enemy won't lick me, I'll never be ...BUSY again!"  




I can be active and pray, work and pray, but I cannot be busy and pray
                                                                                       -unknown-

Blending In

Day 8 reading assignment:
Gen 18:16-19:38
Matt 6:25-7:14
Psalm 8:1-9
Proverbs 2:6-15

I was late for church this morning because I HAD to drive through Starbucks for my morning coffee.  Then I nearly mowed an elderly gentleman down in the crosswalk .  I had to refrain from screaming, "Get outa the way I'm late for church!!"  Something in this scenario seemed askew but hey, I didn't have time to figure it out .  I WAS LATE!

After a full day of fun, family things I got home to do the reading and was feeling overwhelmed about  running 2 days behind on this blog .  I began this quest Sept 3rd, I should be on day ten's reading by now.   I'm hoping if I just keep plugging along I will get caught up.  I turned on my computer and read these internet headlines:
     Paris Hilton was immortalized this week when the new addition of the "Oxford Book of Quotes" hit the shelves and her contribution wasn't simply "That's Hot."  The book includes her quote: "Dress cute wherever you go, life is too short to blend in." This breaking news was courtesy of  some celebrity web sight called OMG!  I gagged.

I went on with my reading assignment in Genesis and even though I have read these passages before, this time certain things have a different impact on me.  Lot's life, for instance, was despicable.  He lived so long, so closely rooted to Sodom he had become desensitized to the abhorrent  behaviors and common practices of this place.  Rather than standing out from the rest he just began blending in.  The application in my bible said:  "Lot was no longer a believable witness for God. He had compromised to the point that he was almost useless for God."

I read somewhere that many times when we dislike someone's behavior it's because they are mirroring something we don't like about ourselves. I hate how much I dislike Lot.  At the first glimpse I didn't like this guy.  I simply cannot relate to this person and the choices he made.  As I so eloquently stated a couple of posts ago; 'Lot is a schmuck.'  And then it smacks me.  I am beginning to hate these ah ha moments. I can get on my private soapbox any day of the week about how obsessed Americans are with their pleasures and comforts.  The "I love it, I want it, I  gotta have it" mentality is common.  It isn't just about big ticket items, we have demanding expectations over the insignificant as well.  How many times have I stood behind the woman in Starbucks ordering her triple shot, half caf, no foam, sugar-free, non-fat latte.  That's a far cry from a double tall, non-fat, one pump classic latte right?  In a self-centered society it's important to believe that I am more important than you which makes my time incredibly important.  I was late for church this morning because I HAD to get my coffee.  I couldn't deprive myself for an hour. Then my self-importance justified my indignation at the gentleman in the crosswalk.  I, like Lot, have allowed my environment to shape me.  I blend in.

It sickens me that we live in a culture that has the ability to take ignorance, family wealth and an infamous internet video, and create a public icon.  But maybe Paris got one thing right.  Life is too short to blend in.

A Work in Progress

Day 7 reading assignment:
Gen 16:1-18:15
Matt 6:1-24
Psalm 7:1-17
Proverbs 2:1-5

I don't go to church.  Uh oh what's that I hear?  Is that the sound of judgement?  Well bring it on baby.  But first I should explain.  Church attendance for me is sporatic at best.  I have had a church home, but right now I am a church hopper.....on the Sunday mornings I feel like hopping.  I'm like that boyfriend you date for 9 years, I just can't commit.  Church is a giant distraction.  I sit there determined to come away enlightened, but I'm doomed from the start.  The soloist on the worship team hits a note that hurts my ears, this is disturbing to me but I notice she's wearing really cute shoes.  There's a man with a tuberculosis sounding cough sitting close enough that I'm sure I felt his spittle hit the back of my arm...can I wipe it off, would that be rude?.....I wonder where she got those shoes.  What a cute baby.  I'm just going to ask her where she got the shoes, I think I saw them on the internet in a lovely shade of red.  I love that lady's haircut....those can't be her real boobs, how can she  afford...FOCUS!  I sit there summing up everyone around me only to come to the conclusion that everybody in this room is a better christian than I.  I have always struggled with the tags that go with being a christian.  I don't want to be a Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian or whatever.  I, as a bonafide church hopper, have attended nearly every denomination out there and have been satisfied with many of the experiences but  I don't want to be defined by the church I attend, nor do I ever want to become "religious".  I want to be spiritual.  I am a christian.  I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and my saviour.  I want to live my life according to what God and only God says is right, paying attention to how He, and only He will judge me. But the truth is: everybody out there is a better christian than I.  I can't quote scripture.  Oh I can say 'the bible says...,' but I can't tell you where it says it, my scripture memorization is null and void.  On any given day a person could drop by our home and maybe go away murmuring, 'she calls herself a christian?'  I hope not but its certainly possible.  What does a christian look like?  Our youngest son, a tattooed, pierced, bearded, motorcycle guy who loves dark beer and can talk like a sailor with the best of them, is a christian.  Open the doors to any church on any day of the week and you will find many things.  The family who can recite the bible backwards and forwards and live their lives accordingly.  The guy on the street holding the sign asking for help.  The addict in the halfway house.  The successful business woman.  Some people are better reflections of what God calls our lives to be than others.  And some, like the Pharisees, can follow the 'laws' to the letter and have cold and shallow hearts.  The bottom line is God calls us to fellowship with other believers.  Is it enough that I come together with 2 other believers (my daughter Abbie and my dear friend Jane) weekly, and attend our own private bible studies?   I meet with two sisters-in-law and pray for our children does that count?  I'm not sure.  What if I don't like the music at a particular church, or the drone of the pastor's voice puts me to sleep?  What if I would rather work in my garden, isn't the garden a place I can have my own private prayer time?  Nice try.  I don't think it's about my comfort or my entertainment. It's about obedience.  My second daughter, Lindsay, told me once,  "I don't go to church to find God, I go to be obedient to Him"  Ouchie.  Obedience isn't my strong suit.  Rebelliousness is.

In Genesis, God told Abraham to do as He said and he would be blessed with a son.  Abraham had a little giggle over this because he was about a hundred, seriously he was 99 when God said this.  His wife, Sarah, had a moment of doubt herself because she was waaaay beyond the age of consent, so to speak, and what baffled me was her joy at the news...please bless me God, but pleeezze not with a post- menopausal pregnancy.  Holy moly.  And right there is the difference between obedient people and...me.   And ponder if you will, just exactly what God told Abraham to do.  Genesis 17:10 (NLT)-  'This is the covenant that you and your descendents must keep:  Each male among you must be circumsized.'  Now that's obedience.

  Tomorrow is Sunday.  I will try it again.  As the famous Dr. Frasier Crane would say:  "I'm listening."

ME ME ME ME (say it with your opera singer voice)

Day 6 reading assignment:
Gen 13:5-15:21
Matt 5:27-48
Psalm 6:1-10
Proverbs 1:29-33

My commentary today is  from Genesis... Lot was a schmuck!  He was a perfect example of the selfish little rich kid.  He skated through life on Uncle Abram's riches, doing as little as possible as a lethargic member of this very important family.  It's sad, very sad that he lost his father at a young age but he had strong and positive role models in his grandfather Terah and his uncle Abram.  Abram adopted him and  kept him safe through so many hardships and challenges.  Yet when Lot was so generously given the first choice of the land where he would live, he was a punk about it.  He took the fertile land without regard to what his uncle might want or need.  His thoughts were only for himself. What would be best for Lot?  He took the best parcel of land, forgetting, however,  the three keys to success in real estate: Location, location, location.  It seems his estate was very near a little town called Sodom.  His self-centeredness would cost him dearly.  But enough about him, let's talk about me!  Since starting this blog I find I'm on the computer several times a day when I used to go days without checking my email or anything else.  One week into it, a few nice emails and comments and I, much like creepy Lot, am all about me.  I actually 'yippeed' out loud when I saw my following of 4 had grown to 6 ( it really did make me so happy).  It's humbling to see how some nice words from some great friends have biggie sized my ego.  I have a strong aversion for self-centeredness in others.  I am sensitive to the over-use of  "I" and "me",  a red flag I notice in other people's vocabulary.  I always believed I was too full of self-loathing to ever have an ego problem .  I remember a church sermon on self-centeredness.  The pastor said, "If I took a group photo of everyone in this room right now and passed the picture around,  every one of you would immediately search the photo for your own picture."  We humans are self-centered by nature, it's a fact.  Why doesn't that make me feel better?  My intentions were pure when I embarked on this  journey.  It was to be a commitment to God first, while confronting my squirrel demons.  In just a few short days I almost turned it into a dog and pony show, strongly tempted to edit my thoughts for specific readers.  I was prepared to take God right out of my quest to read the bible.  No irony there.  I just completed Day 6 and God is 6 for 6 in revealing weak links in my character.  It's going to be a long year.

Little Sins

Day 5 reading assignment:
Gen 11:1-13:4
Matt 5:1-26
Psalms 5:1-12
Proverbs 1:24-28

I  stumble quite contentedly along in my very ordinary life believing that I am, typically speaking, a good and honest person.  I always give back the money when the cashier mistakenly gives me change for a 20 when I paid with a five.  I don't lie, cheat or steal.  Okay so I've told some eensy fibs, cheated at Monopoly and a few hands of pinochle, and way back in the day I stole some beer mugs...fine, I'll admit it, 6 glasses and a pitcher from Brownsboro Tavern but I was very young and I am no longer that person.  I pride myself on the fact that I don't do any of the extreme sins like , well, murder.  And then I read (Matt 5:21) it's not enough to avoid killing, I must also avoid anger and hatred?  I have hated very few people in my life.  Strongly disliked? Yes.  But I can say with all honesty at this point in my life, that I hate no one.  This anger thing has me concerned though.  As I got further into reading the application that followed this verse  said: 'Moses said "Do Not Murder."  Jesus taught that we should not even become angry enough to murder.  For then we have already commited murder in our heart.'  I was still trying to let myself off the hook but I read on: 'The Pharisees read this law and, not having literally murdered anyone, felt they had obeyed it.  Yet they were angry enough with Jesus they would soon plot his death, though they wouldn't do the dirty work themselves.'  The application goes on to talk about the harmfulness of anger:  'It violates the command to love.  It is a dangerous emotion that always threatens to leap out of control, leading to violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage.'

I had to ask myself, do I keep God's rules but ignore the intent?  The answer  is yes.  It is sobering to have aspects of my character exposed that I didn't know existed.  To have to take responsibility for sin I don't want to see.  Am I a murderer in God's eyes?  I have most assuredly assassinated the character of others with my words everytime I took part in gossip.  And I have experienced the anger described in these verses.  How many times I have rotely repeated how God gave His only Son to die on the cross for my sins, without seriously considering what I was saying.  My sins did the dirty work on the cross that day.  Yet how easy it is to look at the "Pharisees" and the other blatant evil doers of the present and take my sin out of the equation.  Never underestimate the destruction of the sins we choose to minimize.

Feelings,woe woe woe,Feelings (it's an old '70's song)

Day 4 reading assignment:
Gen 8:1-10:32
Matt 4:12-25
Psalm 4:1-8
Proverbs 1:20-23

I got an email today from someone very dear to me.  Time and divorce separated us from a bond we formed when she was just a little girl.  We became Facebooks friends this year but we never communicated directly.  I learned through Facebook that she was about to be married and I have wanted to contact her but I felt she wouldn't want to take the time to get reacquainted.  I felt it was best to just follow her through Facebook (not in a stalker-y way) and keep my distance.  So when her email arrived today I was more than ecstatic.  Then to learn that she (and at least 4 other people) actually read this blog was fun as well.

I know better than to rely on my feelings for anything.  My feelings make me cry at feminine hygiene commercials for Pete's sake!  My feelings, and the tears that accompany them are nothing less than a curse to me.  My husband says I just simply feel too much.  He's right of course.  It is why I don't like to go to church, or to weddings, first days of school, graduations, retirement parties, airports or anyplace there is music.  It's embarrassing.  It involves swollen eyes, a big red nose and a lot of snot.

My daughters know when they see my tears coming, they are to do whatever it takes to diffuse it.  Their standard line for these times is; "Oh mommy your butt looks huge in those pants."  This usually works and I pull myself back together.  I have based many bad decisions on feelings only to realize after the fact that the feelings changed.  I know many people who made BIG decisions completely based on feelings they did or didn't have .  Marriages and families have been destroyed because a spouse no longer felt love for the other.

First of all, while love produces feelings, love is a choice.  In a healthy marriage both partners wake up everyday and choose to love each other.  Granted there are some days one or both of them are merely behaving the way they wish they felt and good for them because eventually their hearts will get back on board again.  Secondly,  feelings are fickle.  They are not accurate measures of the rightness or wrongness of an action.

What does this have to do with today's reading? (you 4 readers out there ask)  Absolutely nothing.  One of the joys of seeing squirrels is the chronic randomness it causes.  I loved todays reading assignment and I may or may not comment on it on another day. For today, this one is for you Denae.  I hope you always choose love. xox



"The best romance is inside the marriage;
 The finest love stories come after the wedding, not before."
                                                                         -Irving Stone-

A Casual Christian...or How to Never Know Jesus(even though you think you do)

Day 3 reading assignment:
Gen 5:1-7:24
Matt 3:7-4:11
Psalm 3:1-8
Proverbs 1:10-19

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have been ranting like a mad woman at my family, only to stop long enough to answer the phone with a warm and cheery "Hello!" I continue, engaged in the conversation all nicey nice, hang-up and pick up ranting where I left off.  What a phoney!

In Matthew 3:8 John the baptist called people to more than words or rituals.  He told them to change their behavior.  The application on this verse explained that God looks beyond our words and religious activities to see if our conduct (especially when we think no one is looking) backs up what we say.

Imagine sitting in the back of the room at your own funeral listening to what people are saying about you.  What would they say? "Oh my how did Cindy stay so thin?" Yeah not likely.  How about "I never knew Cindy was a christian did you?"  I didn't have to be at my funeral to hear this.  About 9 years ago our second daughter was about to marry the love of her life who was a youth pastor at a local church.  We were very involved in the activities of the county fair in those days and there was much talk among our circle of friends about the impending nuptials.  A dear friend was relaying a conversation to me that she recently had with a mutual friend of ours. I can't say where that conversation was going because at her opening line I went numb and stopped listening.  "So Lindsay's going to be a preachers wife...can you imagine Cindy a born again christian?!"
When I heard this I felt physically sick.  I was immediately aware of God's disappointment in me.  What had I done, how had I behaved that made this friend assume I was the furthest thing from a christian?

My parents were members of the Lutheran church.  Every Sunday my mother would scrub us up and march her 6 children into church delighting in the attention we would bring her.  She would proceed to sing the loudest because she was also very proud of her voice.  At the age of 12 I went through the memorization process of being confirmed in the church and to this day I have no idea what that was about. For awhile I believed we went to church for the spectacle we created.  I understand now that I have no right to these judgements.  My point is that from noon on Sunday until the next Sunday morning, there was no evidence of Christ in any of our lives with the exception of the memorized prayer of thanks at dinner time and at bedtime when my mother would shout from somewhere else in the house, " Say your prayers!"

By the time I was 15  I was dating a boy who claimed he was agnostic.  I had little idea of what this meant (The belief that any existence of God is unknown and probably unknowable) but I was pretty sure it was my ticket to sleeping in on Sunday mornings.  The announcement of my new spiritual philosophy was not well received and I was forced to endure the painful hour on Sunday mornings anyway.  My relationship with the agnostic ended eventually and in the spring of my senior year at the age of 17,  I discovered I was pregnant.  On the date of what would be my senior prom, I married my first husband. Now that's another story for another day anyhoo........After the birth of my son, with the encouragement of a neighbor I began my real search for God.  When my friend made the 'imagine Cindy a chrisian' comment, I had been a christian for 27 years.  Evidently a casual christian at best.  It could have been many things that spurred that comment.  I could laugh with the best of them at a dirty joke, I was a consistent contributor to the gossip mill and certainly took the Lord's name in vain on a regular basis.  I only spoke of my spiritual beliefs in the safe surrounding of other christians.  I changed behaviors to match my environment like a chamelion changes colors. It makes people uncomfortable when you get all lofty and righteous on them.  But #1 on the list of my failures was that I had not been consistent in raising my kids in church, teaching them, by EXAMPLE about faith and reliance on God.
I had never developed a personal relationship with Him which had robbed me of his voice.  I thought it was enough just to believe-and, in theory it is-but I believed with my head.  I never invested my heart.  According to the bible, faith must be more than belief in certain facts.  It must result in actions or it will die away.

Where then does a person learn about faith?  The best answer is; at home.  We all have a front row ticket to the best (or worse) reality show right in our own homes.  It's real and it's raw.  Despite the hypocrisy I saw in the faithlessness of my mother, at least I got a glimpse of God.  My mother's actions at the very least, planted a necessary seed that caused me to seek Him later in my life.  I used to have strong criticisms for much of what my mother did or didn't do.  My reality is that I'm ashamed to admit that I was simply too lazy to get my own children to church, for any reason, selfish or otherwise, with any kind of consistency.

Faith is a rich heritage we can pass down to our children, even if we do it badly.  Borrowing from The Practical Life of Faith: "Whatever else may be said about home, it is the bottom line of life.  It is at home, among family that we come to terms with circumstances.  It is here life makes up its mind.  It's a place where milk is spilled, where toes are stubbed and where people see you in your underwear.  It's real life where real people rub up against real challenges.  How we meet those challenges determines whether the faith of the family flourishes or flounders.  Faith is meant to be an everyday companion, not a weekend guest.  If someone were to peek through the keyhole of your front door what would they see?  For faith to be served up family style nourishing generations to come, 2 things have to happen.  We have to think of our homes as training bases, not holding pens.  The home should be a launching pad for sending children into the world, not a storage facility for isolating them from it. Second we must develop in our homes a contagious confidence in God."  Where was this information when my kids were little?  Luckily it's never too late when it comes to our spirituality.  Being the matriarch of a family is an enormous responsibility.  So,  do as I say not as I did.  NEVER take it casually....I'm the mommy thats why.



       "Preach the gospel at all times, if necessary use words."
                                                                       St.Francis of Assisi

A Fool in Paradise

Day 2 reading assignment:
Gen 3:1-4:26
Matt 2:13-3:6
Psalm 2:1-12
Proverbs 1:7-9

Squirrels are to me what the serpent in the garden was to Eve.  Talk about a woman who had it all!  God told them it was all theirs.  Everything!  Just stay away from the fruit of one (I started to write "measely" but that seemed disrespectful) tree.  Have your fill of everything here but 'no no no don't touch that!'  What does she do?  Loses sight  of ALL that she has and obsesses over the one thing she cannot have.  A few slimy lies from a snake and poof! there goes her contentment.
Snakes assignment complete: Joy robbed.

We live in a society that goes to great lengths to condition us to think life is all about our comfort, our pleasure and our immediate gratification.  We are convinced it really is all about us.  So many people walk around in a constant state of depression, discouragement, disillusionment.  The list goes on. People are exhausted from working their fannies off in order to achieve the next big thing only to switch on the technical device of choice to discover there is a bigger, better, upgraded form out today that renders yesterday's purchase obsolete.  I'm fairly sure there is a contented gerbil spinning on his wheel out there laughing his head off at us humans running in circles chasing our imaginary tails.  "WAH! I want a bigger house. WAH! I want a newer car. WAH WAH! My butt looks big in these pants-I need magic pants but first please pass me that last piece of bruschetta.

God must feel like the parent of the greedy kid who opens the last of an obscene amount of birthday gifts only to say; 'is that all there is?'
"Hey Eve! FYI: To be tempted is not a sin, to give in to it is."  The first blessing lost was contentment, aka:joy.  What a price to pay.
Oh yeah and Eve?  Thanks for being the first one to set a BAD example.  Nice legacy to pass down to the rest of us!

The definition of contentment is wanting what we have.  To be content we must choose to be content and act accordingly.  Eve made it harder but not impossible.


"Image building is the attempt to make impressions that are bigger than we are."
                                                                                                          -unknown-

Rocka bye baby

I was rocking my 8 month old grandson the other day, well technically I was wrestling him to sleep.  He loves to snuggle but he HATES to nap.  I snuggled him tightly in my arms and he didn't fight it so much.  But then his legs would fly out kicking hard away from me.  Our eyes would meet and his sweet drooly mouth would open up to smile I am addicted to.  I snugged him in tighter and lodged his legs between my own until he could not move.  I expected tears and wailing but within minutes he was sound asleep.  Not a conventional way to rock a baby but it got the job done.

This is how I picture my time with God.  There He sits, waiting, while I flit like a hummingbird from busy-ness to busy-ness.  He sits waiting, wanting to hold me, waiting to take my burdens while I dart in and out, resisting capture.  When at last I do light, I'm writhing around trying to kick my legs free.  Unlike a determined grandma, God allows us that blasted "free-will".  He won't rap His legs around my infantile behavior, but instead sets me free to flit while He resumes waiting.... for me to come back.  "Later Lord, I promise, but right now I am busy!"  If the grandkids summon me, or anyone else for that matter, I stop what I'm doing and give my (almost) full attention.  But when my Father, My God that hung His only son on a cross for MY sins, wants a moment of my precious time, I continuously leave him simmering, disappointed and heart broken, on the back burner.  I give Him the last exhausted bits of me when I'm so tired I fall asleep reading His Word.......  I'm going about this all wrong.

Put on the big girl underpants and get on with it!

Day 1 Reading assignment:
Gen:1-2:25
Matt:1-2:12
Psalms: 1:1-6
Proverbs:1:1-6
This is hard.  This showing up to the daily blog page is really hard.  Day 2 and I am having some serious doubts.  I got the reading done, where is my spiritual inspiration?  My days were already full and now I think I can just be clever on a daily basis?  What on earth was I thinking?  I am a gadillion pages from the lessons on perseverance (and complaining).  I started to read ahead but I am doing everything in my power to avoid "the squirrels" and they are everywhere!
Today's squirrels, however, are much cuter and actually have names; Sawyer, Thatcher and Crew.  They are 3 of our 9 fabulous grandkids. Crew is 8 months old and master of the G.I Joe crawl that allows him access to EVERYWHERE.  Thatcher is 21 months, dangerously close to that terrible 2 thing and lets just say it's a good thing he is so stinkin' cute because he's a pistol.  Sawyer is 4, and milk out the nose funny (just like his grampa) and incredibly smart.  He also has autism.  I don't say he's autistic because that wording makes it sound like autism is what defines who he is rather than a condition he is learning to live with.  Thatcher also was beginning to exhibit red flag behaviors that are associated with the creepy "A" word.  24 hours after his 18 month immunization Thatcher stopped talking.  He started flapping his hands, walking on tippy toes and banging his head on the walls and floors.  He would cry for prolonged periods, had chronic diarrhea, stopped eating and was losing weight.  It was at this time that the family moved home to be at Grampa and Gramma's.  Since their arrival in early July, our Thatcher can now call the kitties, mimic Spike the horse and is attempting sounds for words he once had.  We count these as huge successes.
These guys are busy, messy and loud. This afternoon they were hanging with grams while mommy made a quick trip to the store-all by herself.  No biggy, I thought, I could still get a few words together for the blog.  But first I had to sit Crew on the lawn for a quick minute while I untangled a crying Thatcher from the horsey swing that the bull dog was also trying to swing on.  I turned to see Sawyer had stripped naked as a week of successful potty training was taking a turn for the worse.  Crew started to cry as he toppled face first in the dirt, Thatcher's wail was escalating to hysterics and Sawyer was off on a dead run, naked, chasing Pedderkitty, the family cat. I managed to herd Sawyer inside and toward the bathtub while carrying 2 crying babies.  Safely in the house I sat them down. Thatcher tripped, sending a lamp sailing, landing in pieces when... THE PHONE RINGS!!!
 It was mommy,"how are the boys?"
"Fine!" I lied, in my high pitched liars voice.....

 Earlier today Sawyer was heard saying, Speed Racer racing through the ketchup!'  That pretty much sums up the state of this household and also why this day's post didn't happen until 12 ish a.m. I came to the conclusion years ago when I was raising my own kids that there will always be ketchup to be mopped up, laundry to fold and over all clutter to sort through. But the babies grow up quickly.  A year ago Sawyer had only a few words. Today he said "Gramma I'm so happy."   God is so good.  These little boys battle far bigger foes on a daily basis than I.  I can do this.  2 days down, 363 to go.

Do What You Dread

If procrastination were a profession I would be the CEO.  I put off doing even non-dreadful things so if it is dreadful it isn't going to happen until I am forced.  I remember a day many years ago when my refrigerator went on the blink.  I answered a knock at the door to find a man in a suit with a face that looked as if all personality had been surgically removed.  I was thinking, 'he probably seems so unfriendly because he hates his job, poor thing.'  So I greeted him with a warm smile and said, "Wow you really dressed up just to fix my fridge!"
  At that and without as much as a twinkle in his eye, he flashed a badge at me.  "Joe Blow, Department of Revenue."  My knees went weak several seconds before my brain could completely process what was happening. I flashed on the files of quarterly taxes that I had shoved to the bottom desk drawer.  We didn't have the money to pay them and I did not want to bother my hubby with it-he was stressed out enough.
I was picturing in my mind how it would look when my 5 little kids watched the bad man cuff mommy and haul her off to unpaid quarterly prison when I became hysterical.  I'm sure the poor man was wishing he could call for "back-up" to get someone to calm this crazy loon down.
"I'm not a tax evader, I promise!"  I wailed.  "I'm just an idiot!"
The man must have believed that I was indeed just an idiot and guided me through the process of getting caught up. From this experience I learned the important lesson of: "Don't mess with the tax man." Did I learn to not procrastinate?  Not so much.

I'm not sure if procrastination and seeing squirrels are the same... but when that wiley squirrel shows up, I drop what I'm doing  and move to the next distraction (aka:squirrel) until I realize now, at the age of 54, I've never finished ANYTHING!

Yesterday was September 1st. A good day to start something, I decided.   I was hit with a jolt while brushing my teeth.  I went to the kitchen with a foamy mouth and slurred speech to announce to my family this epiphany.
"Ah gah it!"
"What?" They ask in unison.
"Ah gah it!" Holding my index finger in the air summoning them to wait, I walked to the kitchen sink and spit."I've got it!" I repeat.  "I'm going to read the bible in one year and blog it.  I've attempted to do this for about 5 years now so a blog will hold me accountable."
My family is unwavering in their support and encouragement of each and every (unfinished) wild hair I embark on.  They cheered me on,  my biggest fans,  never revealing the slightest hint of the major doubts I am sure were rolling around in their minds.
What happened next?  I saw squirrels all day.  One distraction after another.  I kept telling myself I would get to it.  Later.  Instead I fell exhausted in to bed, discouraged and full of self-loathing at my immediate failure.  Honestly I thought I would get to at least day 3 or 4 before I quit.

But today is a new day!  So what if it's Day 2 of September, it's Day 1 of my quest.  Squirrels be damned!  I've got some reading to do................