Girl Interrupted

Days 90 and 91 reading assignment:
Deuteronomy 16:1-20:20
Luke 9:7-50
Psalm 72:1-73:28
Proverbs 12:8-10

I think one of the reasons it is getting harder to blog about this reading experience is the recurring sense of myself, of my pride.  Being a person of fairly low self esteem I have never (until I started reading the Bible) seen pride or self-centeredness as one of my many issues.  In her book, Praying God's Word, Beth Moore says:  In some ways, Christians have to be more alert to pride than anyone.  If we don't have an issue that is actively humbling us, we veer with disturbing velocity toward arrogance and self-righteousness.  We are wise to remember that Christ never resisted the repentant sinner.  He resisted the proud and Pharisaic. Pride is not the opposite of low self-esteem.  Pride is the opposite of humility.  We can have a serious pride problem that masquerades as low self-esteem.  Pride is self-absorption whether we're absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are.  We are wise to be on the constant lookout for pride in our lives.  If we aren't taking deliberate measures to combat pride, it's probably doing something to combat humility.  Now all this said I need to clarify that it isn't that I'm too proud to admit that I have a pride issue.  It is, however, the redundancy of it all.  I should go back and count how many times since I started this blog that I have written about how the Bible reading has exposed this very thing in my life.  I am realizing that I can't skip blogging because the content may be 'same story different day.'  I am learning that this repetition is the whole point.  This is how God communicates...with me anyway.

Even before our current circumstances our house was a three-ring circus.  People drop by a lot.  Usually my consistent reaction to hearing a car in the driveway is to rant like a lunatic, resentful at being interrupted;  "Who is here NOW?"   When the phone rings and I don't feel like being interrupted, I don't answer it.  Yet in my daily prayers I pray (with the same ranting mouth) Lord use me for the Glory of your kingdom.  Yes I do recognize that this is where I am veering with disturbing velocity toward arrogance and self-centeredness thank you very much.

On December 1st, the reading assignment took in Luke 9:10,11.  It was talking about how Jesus tried to slip quietly away from the crowds, but they found out where He was going and followed Him.  Instead of showing impatience at this interruption, the appliction says, Jesus welcomed the people and ministered to their needs.  It goes on to ask: How do you see people who interrupt your schedule-- as nuisances or as the reason for your life and ministry?  I think I had it all in my mind so differently.  First of all, when I pray for God to use me, I assumed I would begin to resemble Mother Teresa and I would be whisked off to some third world country complete with a little blue and white dish towel on my head.  What was I smoking?  And secondly, who do I think I am?  The mission is here and now.  In the everydayness with our everyday people.  THIS is my mission.  Just to love the people He gives me whenever, wherever.  I keep getting the same message from different Bible readings because I keep praying, "show me what to do."  He keeps telling me to die to myself and He will continue to tell me until I do it.  Just as I had a concept of God, I have also had a concept of what my service for God would look like.  And, disturbingly, that reveals my concept of me.  The me I think I should be to the people in my life.  Now I see Him interrupting me deliberately,  double-dog daring me to resent it as He changes me into His concept of me. 


-The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it-
                                                                                         Mother Teresa

Flying by the Seat of My pants

Days 88 and 89 reading assignment
Deuteronomy 11:1-15:3
Luke 8:22-9:6
Psalm 70:1-71:24
Proverbs 12:4-7

Many years ago, before my husband Brent was a certified flight instructor, we set out to teach me how to fly.  We took the first several lessons in my brother's Cub, a sweet little two-place "tail-dragger" plane.  At some point, for reasons unbeknownst to me but surely having nothing to do with my credibility as a pilot, my brother suggested we use our own plane for my flight instruction.  We would have begun my lessons in our 1946 Taylorcraft  but the Cub is just a little easier to fly and Brent was trying to keep things as uncomplicated as possible.  I should back up here and say that Brent "took-over" my flight training after I had taken many lessons from a friend who was indeed a certified instructor.  Brent was frustrated that I wasn't progressing as quickly as he thought I should and being a loyal husband, blamed it all on our instructor friend.....for awhile.

In the air, while I thought we were doing fine, he would shout,"DOES THIS FEEL RIGHT TO YOU!!??"  
"DOES WHAT FEEL RIGHT TO ME???" I gently and lovingly screamed back at him.
"YOUR BUTT, YOUR BUTT...can't you feel it in your butt?"
"Feel WHAT in my butt, what are you talking about?"
We were wearing headsets and normally you have to push the little black button on the yoke to talk, but at this point we no longer needed the intercom system to hear each other over the cockpit noise.  Without fail, by the time we had landed on the bumpy grass strip, I was crying.  We would sit in the plane and "go over" the flight and too little too late, he would try to encourage me to try it again.  If he wasn't repeating 'feel it in your butt', he was monologuing "right rudder right rudder!"  I finally realized it was comfortable to rest my foot on the left rudder and evidently this gesture was putting the whole plane...askew, so to speak.  In my defense I confessed that I usually rested my left foot on the clutch peddle of my car too,  he just slapped himself on the forehead muttering something derogatory and walked away.  I may never understand men.   I also do not understand why, if it takes feeling something in your butt (that I have yet to learn) to fly an airplane, why then am I not a natural because I do tend to squeak through this life 'flying by the seat of my pants.'  Evidently they are two separate concepts.  I could get us on the ground with only minor injuries if I had to land a plane now, if all the conditions were perfect and there was no wind and no other planes on the tarmac.  But who wants to?  My time is better spent on the ground, of that I am sure.  So I did not see flying lessons through to any kind of completion...that's right I quit.

Brent is organized. Whether he is flying a plane or eating his Cheerios.  (I would be organized too if I only focused on one thing at a time and one person at a time.)  Before he leaves the house he has a five point checklist:
"phone-check"
"watch-check"
"pen-check" (don't even get me started on the pen)
"wallet-check"
"glasses-check"....
As I watch this final part of his morning routine I am thinking: 'kick in the butt from your wife as you are walking out the door- check.'  Everything he does is a part of a bigger routine, it's mind boggling for a person who is routine challenged as I am.  If I had a check-list before leaving the house it would be:
Am I dressed or is a bathrobe acceptable where I am going?-check
Am I wearing shoes-check
Do they match-check
Was there time for make-up and if so do both eyes have mascara-woops no time gotta go.

The imaginary squirrels, like voices in my head, haunt me and distract me and oddly bring me some sense of comfort.  I say all this to explain that while there may be lapses in this blog, unlike my flying lessons I will not quit.  If there are readers out there in this unknown cyber frontier, please know that I will see this through.  My absenteeism is to the computer, not to the reading assignment.  This Bible reading in a year, unlike every diet I have ever tried, is a life-style change for me.  If there are no readers at all I will still "Blog On!"

As for the flying lessons, we toy with the idea of taking them up again now that Brent is certified but then our eyes meet and with smiles we just say "nah."

Bound For the Promised Land

Double YIKES!
Days 74-87 reading assignments:
Numbers 22:21-36:13
Deuteronomy1:1-10:22
Luke 1:57-8:21
Proverbs 11:12-12:3

My absense at the page is a direct result of satan's effects on and in my life.  Busy-ness is back as well as my recent experience of a mini crisis of faith.  In the midst of a burning desire to seek and know God, I managed to deposit myself right smack back in the middle of my own wilderness.  It serves me right of course for all the harsh judgement I have had of the Israelites, but it still feels crummy.  Forty years they stumbled around in the wilderness while their destination was never more than an eleven day journey away.  Now I wonder if I will be delivered from that same wilderness anytime in this lifetime.

For a brief amount of time I was feeling quite God led and Spirit filled.  Jane and I celebrated our birthdays with a lunch out and a day of shopping.  We shared a fun day and some fairly riveting God-filled conversations.  I yammered on with excitement about a book I had just finished that was all about how Christians and churches sometimes tend to ignore the Holy Spirit and never realizing the obscene power of my own ego, mistakenly believed I was finally "getting it" when it came to such subjects.  I was visualizing the many ways God might use me, newly enlightened as I was.  Seriously, I was quite full of the wonder of me, anxious for an opportunity to exhibit all this good Christian love to someone who might smite me in some way.  As we left the restaurant and got back to the parking lot, a large four wheel drive pick-up was parked at an angle that although it was awkward, it really didn't hinder my leaving.  I looked at the truck with disgust and sarcastically said, "Nice park job buddy!"  only to realize that the driver was in the truck, evidently with his window down and not finished straightening his park job.  He leaned forward and gave me a big smile and a wave.  He was obviously slightly more Spirit-filled than I.  I hate hate hate lessons in humility.  Like the Pharisees, I am seeing how craftily I wrap my sins up in respectability and like the Israelites I keep myself in the wilderness not because I am geographically challenged- although I do tend to get lost in Safeway- but because of the condition of my heart.  I am beginning to understand that while I struggle to seek out this personal relationship with Him, one of many stumbling blocks is the discovery that for all these years I have believed in the concept of God instead of genuinely believing God.  Another is satan's powerful tool of pridefulness.  The more filled up with "me" I am, the less room there is for anything else.  I keep thinking that any day now I will wake up a new person who will automatically think first of God and make all the right choices.  In the face of hardship I will recite scriptures and my strong faith will have me leaning dependently on HIM.  In His incredibly patient way He is showing me that He knows I am a work in progress, an infant in this journey, more like a two year old that is screaming for her own way.  Thankfully He doesn't give in to my demands.

-God shows us our poverty of spirit when we try, in our own strength, to walk in a way pleasing to God...and yet continually fail-
Kay Arthur, Lord, Only You Can Change Me

Invisible Love

YIKES!! Days 64-73 reading assignment
Numbers 4:1-22:20
Mark12:48-16:20
Luke 1:1-1:56
Psalm 48:1-57:11
Proverbs 10:26-11:11


Wow, it's been too many days again.  I have been traveling and sooner or later I will break down and buy a laptop.  This blog has become ingrained into my life and skipping so many writing days makes me feel all bogged down.  This time my travels have taken me yet again to places intoxicating and full of mystery...Porterville, California.  Aaaah the exotic life of the wife of a tanker pilot.  This life-style has taken me on many a romantic journey from the plains of Battle Mountain, Nevada to the smog filled skies of San Bernardino, California and many unknown stops in between.  If it doesn't have a Starbucks, I have probably been there.  Once on a fire bust in Battle Mountain, the ground fire fighters got to the one grocery store in town before me and wiped out all the chocolate inventory.  That's right, no chocolate in the whole town and no deliveries for a week.  Heaven forbid I could have lost a pound.

I went to Porterville this week to catch up with my hunka hunka burnin' love to celebrate our twenty sixth wedding anniversary.  We joke that in all the time we spend apart, we have technically only been married thirteen years.  It is an odd life-style and certainly not for everyone which is evident in the high divorce rate within this industry.  We have spent more anniversaries apart than together, so if Brent is twelve hours or less away, I try very hard to track him down.  It is our time apart that makes the majority of our time together quite precious and where we spend it is not a factor.  Spending it together is.  It's like an invisible love sometimes.  Unseen but very much our reality.  Being apart requires trust and faith in one another.  We are required to lead separate lives so much of the time and then magically transition back into a togetherness.  I am putting it mildly when I say it has been "tricky" at times.

Seventy-three days into this spiritual quest I have more questions than answers thank you very much NUMBERS chapters 1-10.  Is it disrespectful to say how painful I found those chapters?  Yet I am always anxious to get back to it.  Back to the daily-ness of reading this Bible.  The unfaithfulness and chronic complaining that annoyed me so in the beginning of Israel's journey, now I find almost comforting.  How warped is that?  Actually the Israelites are still completely annoying, but I see myself in them on so many levels now that I am relieved that God, tempted as He was, didn't just wipe them out and start over.  My humanness along with a shameful attitude of entitlement (deny as I might-I've got it) requires answers from God.  Why won't he heal my unbelief, my wavering faith.  Why won't He wave that magic wand and instill trust in Him to me?  I carry with me a bottle of mustard seed just for a daily reminder that it's all about FAITH.

In Holman's Bible Dictionary there is a page and a half of definition on faith.  It reads: faith is tied to hope in Hebrews 11:1; Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  It refers to faith as the central concept of Christianity.  It goes on to say that faith is the beginning of a relation to God and not an end.  It is especially in Paul's letters, the inauguration of incorporation "in Christ," in which one continues to grow and develop.  But here is my own conclusion....God does not owe me an explanation.  I said it before: God is God whether I believe or not, whether I understand much or little.  When I relate it to my marriage, I get it...sort of.  The wonder of invisible love.  And when I allow those tiny seeds of doubt to seep in  I am sure the enemy loves the distractions my lack of understanding offers.  The more I search for explanations the less time I am spending in quality time with Him or in prayer for others.

Brent's fire contract is up in eleven days.  For a few months we will live a daily married life.  It is the dailyness no matter how mundane and ordinary that we need.  It is the dailyness in my spiritual walk that is important as well.  The seemingly painfully boring first ten chapters of Numbers is significant information... whether I like it or not.  Who am I to critique God's own bestseller after-all?  So on with the quest.  Hit me with your best shot day 74.  For two hundred and ninety-one more days I will show up to the daily page.  Maybe even without complaining just to have a glimpse of that invisible love.

-If my eyes could see you I'd have no faith to prove-
lyrics to Invisible Love by JJ Heller

All You Need is Love, Love is ALL You Need

Day 63 Reading Assignment:
Numbers 2:1-3:51
Mark 11:27-12:17
Psalm 47:1-9
Proverbs 10:24-25

My siblings sometime refer to me as the "Pollyanna" of the family.  This isn't a complement to me, and if you are familiar with the Disney character in her obnoxious ringlets and saccharin sweet philosophies you know why.  For every problem in the community, Pollyanna has a 'the glass is beyond half full' solution.  She has wisdom beyond her years and she is overall...repugnant.  Okay I will confess that I love, love love the movie but enough already with the goody two shoes theme.  I identify more with the cartoon character Maxine.  I don't know if it's the droopy boobs or the floral housedress or her cynical one-liners,  but I know I could be good friends with old Maxine.  But while Maxine's sarcasm and cynicism makes me laugh, it is clear that Pollyanna, the orphaned daughter of missionaries, has gleaned her wisdom and sunny outlook from the Bible.  Pollyanna is thrown into an imbittered community with a cranky old aunt and through loving the unlovable and forcing her "glad-game"(gag) on one and all, she spreads her light...aka: God's love, until the town is made whole again.

I don't mean to keep harping about the movie, "Lord Save Us From Your Followers," but the message is worth risking the redundancy.  It is all about LOVING:...(say it with me) EVERYONE.  I think this is where someone shouts "preach it sistuh!  In Mark a teacher of religious law asked Jesus which of all the commandments was the most important to follow (sorry I skipped ahead a little).  Jesus answered with "Love the Lord your God.... and Love your neighbor as thyself."  Both had to do with LOVE.  What's so important about love?  Jesus said that all the commandments were given for two simple reasons: to help us love God AND OTHERS as we should.

 Someone once told me that God speaks to us through prayer, His Word and through other people.  Lately He seems to be speaking to me through song.  Yesterday I was stuck humming the tune, 'This little Light of Mine."  Today it is the Beatles:

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where your meant to be.
It's easy...(no it isn't)
All you need is love....love is all you need...."


-Love,love,love. Love,love,love. Love, love, love.-
Lennon/McCartney, The Blue Album