Invisible Love

YIKES!! Days 64-73 reading assignment
Numbers 4:1-22:20
Mark12:48-16:20
Luke 1:1-1:56
Psalm 48:1-57:11
Proverbs 10:26-11:11


Wow, it's been too many days again.  I have been traveling and sooner or later I will break down and buy a laptop.  This blog has become ingrained into my life and skipping so many writing days makes me feel all bogged down.  This time my travels have taken me yet again to places intoxicating and full of mystery...Porterville, California.  Aaaah the exotic life of the wife of a tanker pilot.  This life-style has taken me on many a romantic journey from the plains of Battle Mountain, Nevada to the smog filled skies of San Bernardino, California and many unknown stops in between.  If it doesn't have a Starbucks, I have probably been there.  Once on a fire bust in Battle Mountain, the ground fire fighters got to the one grocery store in town before me and wiped out all the chocolate inventory.  That's right, no chocolate in the whole town and no deliveries for a week.  Heaven forbid I could have lost a pound.

I went to Porterville this week to catch up with my hunka hunka burnin' love to celebrate our twenty sixth wedding anniversary.  We joke that in all the time we spend apart, we have technically only been married thirteen years.  It is an odd life-style and certainly not for everyone which is evident in the high divorce rate within this industry.  We have spent more anniversaries apart than together, so if Brent is twelve hours or less away, I try very hard to track him down.  It is our time apart that makes the majority of our time together quite precious and where we spend it is not a factor.  Spending it together is.  It's like an invisible love sometimes.  Unseen but very much our reality.  Being apart requires trust and faith in one another.  We are required to lead separate lives so much of the time and then magically transition back into a togetherness.  I am putting it mildly when I say it has been "tricky" at times.

Seventy-three days into this spiritual quest I have more questions than answers thank you very much NUMBERS chapters 1-10.  Is it disrespectful to say how painful I found those chapters?  Yet I am always anxious to get back to it.  Back to the daily-ness of reading this Bible.  The unfaithfulness and chronic complaining that annoyed me so in the beginning of Israel's journey, now I find almost comforting.  How warped is that?  Actually the Israelites are still completely annoying, but I see myself in them on so many levels now that I am relieved that God, tempted as He was, didn't just wipe them out and start over.  My humanness along with a shameful attitude of entitlement (deny as I might-I've got it) requires answers from God.  Why won't he heal my unbelief, my wavering faith.  Why won't He wave that magic wand and instill trust in Him to me?  I carry with me a bottle of mustard seed just for a daily reminder that it's all about FAITH.

In Holman's Bible Dictionary there is a page and a half of definition on faith.  It reads: faith is tied to hope in Hebrews 11:1; Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  It refers to faith as the central concept of Christianity.  It goes on to say that faith is the beginning of a relation to God and not an end.  It is especially in Paul's letters, the inauguration of incorporation "in Christ," in which one continues to grow and develop.  But here is my own conclusion....God does not owe me an explanation.  I said it before: God is God whether I believe or not, whether I understand much or little.  When I relate it to my marriage, I get it...sort of.  The wonder of invisible love.  And when I allow those tiny seeds of doubt to seep in  I am sure the enemy loves the distractions my lack of understanding offers.  The more I search for explanations the less time I am spending in quality time with Him or in prayer for others.

Brent's fire contract is up in eleven days.  For a few months we will live a daily married life.  It is the dailyness no matter how mundane and ordinary that we need.  It is the dailyness in my spiritual walk that is important as well.  The seemingly painfully boring first ten chapters of Numbers is significant information... whether I like it or not.  Who am I to critique God's own bestseller after-all?  So on with the quest.  Hit me with your best shot day 74.  For two hundred and ninety-one more days I will show up to the daily page.  Maybe even without complaining just to have a glimpse of that invisible love.

-If my eyes could see you I'd have no faith to prove-
lyrics to Invisible Love by JJ Heller

Shut-up and Listen

Day 30 reading assignment
Exodus 10:1-12:13
Matt 20:1-28
Psalm 25:1-15
Proverbs 6:6-11

Brent and I are off for a weekend of  fun.  No schedules.  Just flying by the seat of our pants.  It's late as I write this from a hotel by the sea in Newport.  It isn't often that we manage a getaway like this.  Our usual trips out of town are generally based around a job.  Brent goes off to fly a plane and I explore on my own.  Our eventual destination this weekend is The Evergreen Air Museum in McMinnville, Oregon.  The Spruce Goose is there and one of us is really excited to see it.  Nearly every trip we take centers around an airplane but at least this time he won't make a getaway in one.

It usually takes a half a day of being on the road for us to leave "home" behind and get into the spirit of a road trip.  Usually because we are mad at each other by the time we get in the car.  Brent and I are like the old television show "The Odd Couple." It centers around Oscar and Felix, two men who are roommates.  Oscar is a slob, Felix is a highly organized neat freak.  I'm Oscar.  And while my charming idiosyncricies tend to drive my 'Felix' over the edge, his indeciveness, almost more than his orderliness, clearly undoes me.  We were wondering today, how many hours/miles we have logged in twenty-six years, wandering around aimlessly repeating: "Where do you want to eat?"
"I don't know, what sounds good to you?" 

Since last Sunday, I believe it is safe to say, I have asked Brent one hundred times, "What day are we leaving?", "How long will we be gone?" and "Where are we going anyway?"  Most of the time he doesn't even say a direct "I don't know."  He just distracts me with a different question...which I immediately answer!

Evidently, according to his version of a (imaginary) conversation we had yesterday, it was determined that we had a decisive plan for hitting the road today.  I didn't get that memo and my lackadaisical approach to getting on the road this morning kind of got his hypothetical panties in a twist.  This man can say more without ever opening his mouth than anyone I have ever known.  So, not being one to be outdone with body language, we had a regular silent screaming match on.  We both got over it after a looong time and we moved on to having fun.  Finally tonight, when he was in a better mood, we had a conversation about it and we both realized we need to hone up on our communication skills.  I automatically put the blame in his court when the problem comes down to one of us not being a good listener.  It certainly isn't my fault because I am, after-all, a very good listener.  Or am I?

In Psalm 25:4 David expresses his desire for God's guidance.  In my application it says the first step to receiving God's guidance is to want  to be guided.  Which requires being in His word and constantly learning from it.  It is through these steps we will gain the wisdom to perceive God's direction for our lives.  And it takes times of being quiet and ...that's right,  listening.

Whether it is in my conversations with my husband or my prayers, I get so wrapped up prattling on or thinking about what I want to say next, I forget to be quiet (let alone courteous) and deliberately listen.  I tend to demand answers from God more than asking for direction.....I think I'll shut-up now.

No Filter Required

Day 27 reading assignment
Exodus 4:1-5:21
Matt 18:1-20
Psalm 22:19-31
Proverbs 5:15-21

Our oldest grandson, Kyle, is a senior in high school.  He recently interviewed us for his Family Health class.  He needed to ask the question: "What advice would you give me if I was getting married?"  He was to interview couples who had been married over 10 years, 20 years and a newlywed couple who had been married less than 3.  We were the over twenty couple and I was a little nervous about what his grampa would say, but he had to ask us seperately so I had to shed my co-dependence and let those chips fall where they may.  Grampa Brent is a fairly outspoken guy with the sense of humor of a teen-age boy and can be prone to some pretty rich "potty talk".  I constantly remind him to engage some kind of a filter but usually to no avail.  It is his filterless qualities that our Kyle loves so much.  I was very appropriate of course with my advice and bored the poor kid to tears.  After the interview I peeked at Brent's answer and was surprised at the depth of it but as I read on he of course ended it with the important role that sex plays inside the marriage.  I smiled and rolled my eyes realizing the predictability of this man I love.

The application to the reading in Proverbs today said: God never intended marriage to become boring, lifeless and dull.  Sex is a gift God gives to married people for their mutual enjoyment.  Real happiness comes when we decide to find pleasure in the spouse God has given us and to commit ourselves to meeting his/her needs.  The real danger is in doubting that God knows and cares for us.  It is then that we may resent His timing and carelessly pursue sexual pleasure without His blessing. 

It always blows me away when I read the Old and New Testament simultaneously and see the correlation of the two.  The application in Matthew 18:8,9 says :We must remove the stumbling blocks that cause us to sin.  Not to literally cut off our limbs but any relationship, practice, or activity that will lead to sin, should be stopped...cut off.   I relate this to the marriage relationship especially.  There are marriages failing everywhere and many times because of a third person.  It isn't conceivable that on that day we commit to one person for the rest of our life, that we will never be attracted to another person other than our spouse.  At the point that a friendship with another person starts going beyond what is platonically appropriate, it may be time to cut off  that relationship completely.

I was trying really hard to come up with something profound that Kyle might actually hear and remember.  We want to see our kids happily married and this could very well be the only time he comes asking for advice.  I prattled on with something about expectations...I can't even remember now.  But Brent nailed it without even trying.  He wasn't trying to be funny or profound, just saying what he knows to be true very much like what I read today in Proverbs.  The only difference being, Proverbs said it with the filter engaged.

Feelings,woe woe woe,Feelings (it's an old '70's song)

Day 4 reading assignment:
Gen 8:1-10:32
Matt 4:12-25
Psalm 4:1-8
Proverbs 1:20-23

I got an email today from someone very dear to me.  Time and divorce separated us from a bond we formed when she was just a little girl.  We became Facebooks friends this year but we never communicated directly.  I learned through Facebook that she was about to be married and I have wanted to contact her but I felt she wouldn't want to take the time to get reacquainted.  I felt it was best to just follow her through Facebook (not in a stalker-y way) and keep my distance.  So when her email arrived today I was more than ecstatic.  Then to learn that she (and at least 4 other people) actually read this blog was fun as well.

I know better than to rely on my feelings for anything.  My feelings make me cry at feminine hygiene commercials for Pete's sake!  My feelings, and the tears that accompany them are nothing less than a curse to me.  My husband says I just simply feel too much.  He's right of course.  It is why I don't like to go to church, or to weddings, first days of school, graduations, retirement parties, airports or anyplace there is music.  It's embarrassing.  It involves swollen eyes, a big red nose and a lot of snot.

My daughters know when they see my tears coming, they are to do whatever it takes to diffuse it.  Their standard line for these times is; "Oh mommy your butt looks huge in those pants."  This usually works and I pull myself back together.  I have based many bad decisions on feelings only to realize after the fact that the feelings changed.  I know many people who made BIG decisions completely based on feelings they did or didn't have .  Marriages and families have been destroyed because a spouse no longer felt love for the other.

First of all, while love produces feelings, love is a choice.  In a healthy marriage both partners wake up everyday and choose to love each other.  Granted there are some days one or both of them are merely behaving the way they wish they felt and good for them because eventually their hearts will get back on board again.  Secondly,  feelings are fickle.  They are not accurate measures of the rightness or wrongness of an action.

What does this have to do with today's reading? (you 4 readers out there ask)  Absolutely nothing.  One of the joys of seeing squirrels is the chronic randomness it causes.  I loved todays reading assignment and I may or may not comment on it on another day. For today, this one is for you Denae.  I hope you always choose love. xox



"The best romance is inside the marriage;
 The finest love stories come after the wedding, not before."
                                                                         -Irving Stone-