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Day 152 reading assignment:
2 Samuel 18:1-19:10
John 20:1-31
Psalm 119:153-176
Proverbs 16:14-15
It's hard to know how to restart.  There is a lot of story between Deuteronomy and 2 Samuel as well as Luke, John, Proverbs and the Psalms.
There's been a lot of good reading between then and now but I think the best way forward is forward.  So I will start today with today's reading assignment and try to do a 'between posts recaps' of the last two months.  Otherwise I'm afraid I'll never catch up and I don't need one more thing to veer me off of this course........So for whatever it is worth, I'm back doing what I can to catch some glimpse of this message that I am forever seeking.

Like Thomas in John 20, I question if I will always struggle with my habitual weak faith.  I wonder if my hot, cold, tepid spiritual temperature is chronic.  At what point do I get membership in the solid, faithful, believers club?

This isn't as serious as an all out crisis of faith.  But more like that Judy Blume book, "Are You There God?  It's Me Margaret."  It helped a lot to read John 20 today. I've always known about Doubting Thomas, but just the Sunday school version.  I have never spent any time considering Thomas' affliction. If I spent any time forming an opinion of him I would think he was disloyal bordering on disrespectful.  This quick judgement is probably why we are always cautioned not to judge...never assume anything.  The bio on Thomas in my Bible says just the opposite.  In fact it says some of his strengths were loyalty and honesty.  And in his defense, I will try to stand in his sandals for just 5 minutes.  I imagine Thomas, gripped with the sorrow of Jesus' death.  Now all at once ten of his good friends are telling him of their encounter with Jesus- alive and well.  I see myself right there with him wondering incredulously why my friends would expect me to believe their insane story, and maybe feeling a little left out of this loop.

Sometimes life is just disappointing.  You try to keep an optimistic outlook, you think you are jumping through all the right hoops and still it dumps on you.  The what-ifs creep in quietly and work their voo-doo magic and the wavering begins and before you know it you realize you are really ticked off at God.  But really isn't anger at God a reinforcement of honest belief?  You can't be mad at something you don't believe in right?

What I really loved about today's reading was what the application had to say about doubt; 'We can doubt without having to live a doubting way of life.  Doubt encourages rethinking.  Its purpose is more to sharpen the mind than to change it.  Doubt can be used to pose the question, get an answer, and push for a decision.  But doubt was never meant to be a permanent condition.  Doubt is one foot lifted, poised to step forward or backward.  There is no motion til the foot comes down.  When I experience doubt (for a moment or even a season) I will take encouragement from Thomas.  He didn't stay in his doubt but allowed Jesus to bring him to belief.  Silent doubts rarely find answers.  I know I cannot settle into doubt but must move on from it to decision and belief.'  I will also take encouragement from the fact that countless other followers of Christ have struggled with doubts as well.....maybe even some from that solid, faithful, believers club I so badly want to join.

                              -Better to doubt out loud than to disbelieve in silence-

A Pharisee, an Israelite and two blind beggars

Days 31-32 reading assignment
Exodus 12:14-15:18
Matthew 20:29-21:46
Psalm 25:16-26:12
Proverbs 6:12-19

The title really wasn't meant to sound like the beginning of a bad joke but wow where to begin?

1)  I am becoming completely fed up with the Israelites in Exodus as well as the Pharisees in Matthew.  Firstly can we offer those Hebrews a nice goat cheese with that whine?  I hope I am not being disrespectful to God when I picture Him pacing around with His fingers in His ears repeating "lalalalala," to drown the drone of the faithless, whining, and complaining of their collective voice.

2) And then there are the religiously wretched Pharisees who remind me of the s-s-s-slithering s-s-s-snake in the movie The Jungle book.  They demanded to know where Jesus got His authority.  They didn't really want an answer to their question, they only wanted to trap Him.
 I read a comment from a reader that said;  "...how many of us listen only for what we WANT to hear, then complain when we don't hear exactly that?"  The application in my bible read; 'The Pharisees wanted the truth only if it supported their own views and causes."  Hmmm.

3) In Matthew 20 there is a story of the blind beggars who could see that Jesus was the Messiah, while the religious leaders who witnessed Jesus' miracles were blind to His identity, refusing to open their eyes to the truth.  The application reads; "Seeing with your eyes doesn't guarantee seeing with your heart."

As usual when I get really disgusted with the people who got to see the miracles first-hand, there's usually a cold slap in the face waiting for me just around the corner.  Like when I was rolling my eyes in Ex 13 because God couldn't take the Israelites on the shortest route out of Egypt because if the people were faced with battle they might turn back to Egypt.  Really?  Are they that faithless and stupid to walk back into slavery?  But then how many times have I repeated the same bad choice only to have the consequence take me back into slavery?  How many times have I turned my problems over to God only to jerk them back and continue to worry over them because I lacked faith?  Again with the application: If God doesn't lead you along the shortest path to your goal, don't complain or resist.  Follow Him willingly and trust Him to lead you safely around unseen obstacles.  He can see the end of your journey from the beginning and He knows the safest and best route.

I was especially disgruntled when God gave the Hebrews the pillars of cloud and fire.  These I learned were examples of theophany: God appearing in a physical form....GOD APPEARING IN A PHYSICAL FORM!  I read the application on these verses, it went like this: "God gave the Hebrews these 'pillars' so they would know day and night God was with them on their journey to the promised land.  What has God given us so that we can have the same assurance?  The Bible -- something the Israelites did not have."  I have had a Bible in my home for my entire life.  Count 'em folks 54 years.  I am a rabid reader of books.  My books make my husband crazy.  When I am having a bad day I don't buy shoes, I buy books.  The greatest invention of all times was Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble.  I can kill two vices with one stone.  In my book collection are many bibles.  Oh I read the passages required for a Bible study, but until now I have NEVER read the Bible.  It's kind of like when I bought the entire collection of Billy Blanks Kickboxing videos.  I proceeded to lie on my couch and watch them and then complain I never lost a pound.  Oh you actually have to participate?  What a concept.  I profess contentment and turn right around and complain about a discomfort or an inconvenience.  I can ask God for answers and whine and cry because I didn't get the answer I wanted.  I can keep God's fingers in His ears all by myself thank you.

 I am a Pharisee.  I am the faithless whining Israelite.  But I hope to be a blind beggar who sees with her heart when I grow up.